Make no mistake about it; divorce is a profound emotional, financial and spiritual disruption for all involved. Many men and women consider it one of the worst experiences of their lives. No matter who makes the decision, both partners are profoundly affected by it. Usually, the spouse initiating a divorce carries the guilt, while the one not wanting the marriage to break up assumes the anger ¾ and the role of victim. But, in reality, both spouses suffer enormously before, during and after a divorce occurs. No one, not even a therapist, can tell someone if and when she should seek a divorce. In this chapter some reflections on divorce are offered in hopes of lending a new perspective to those facing this painful decision.
Once upon a time not so long ago, when a bride and groom stood at the altar and repeated the vow "Until death do us part," they meant it as a lifetime, unbreakable commitment. Divorce laws of the past reflected this black and white meaning, and there were enormous social pressures to stay married. Now, for many, this notion of permanence seems quaint. Putting aside the historical inequities of traditional marriage and property laws that harmed women and children and required reform, there were unforeseen and largely unacknowledged costs that came with the change in the definition of marriage from a permanent to an impermanent union ¾ with consequences that continue to shape the lives of men, women and children today.
Increasingly, the idea of divorce (or the contemplation of divorce as an option) functions as the "solution" for personal unhappiness within marriage. It's also fair to say that divorce as an idea serves as a rationalization used by one or both unhappy spouses for giving up on the commitment they made at the altar. Arguably, this revised concept of marriage as inherently impermanent and divorce as a solution for all things that go wrong in the marriage relationship inflicts a sizeable amount of harm on the husband and wife and, especially, on the children who must face the real, lifelong consequences of the dissolution of the family they hold dear. A bit of history enlightens.
During the 1970s, divorce, and by extension the institution of marriage, went through a major transformation with the introduction of the legal concepts of no fault divorce and community property. Prior to this time, fraud had to be publicly proven in a court of law in front of a judge who would then decide who was "at fault" in the marriage and whether or not to grant the divorce. He could then award custody and make financial dispensation of any and all marital assets. This system of divorce produced shame, and embarrassment and, often, the public ridicule of an entire family. The burden of proving marital fraud in a courtroom became so acrimonious that divorce tore many families irreparably asunder.
No fault divorce allows two people to dissolve a marriage without any evidence of fraud, with the most common, often perfunctory legal reason for divorce now given as irreconcilable differences. In most states, after the impersonal processing of a few official documents, each divorced spouse walks away with half of the marital assets. At first this approach seemed humane as it reduced the disastrous affects associated with the public humiliation of divorce trials. However, it produced other challenging ramifications.
What now appears clear is that after divorce became legally easier and more socially acceptable many people didn’t include the idea of "till death do us a part" in their thinking about the marriage vows. They may have said the same words, but either didn't take them seriously or, didn't think through their implications, leaving millions of husbands and wives psychologically unprepared for the difficult times all marriages bring.
America's divorce rate began rising in the late 1960s and jumped during the '70s and early '80s, as nearly every state enacted no-fault divorce laws. The rate peaked in 1981 at 5.3 divorces per 1,000 people. Since then it has dropped by one-third (The National Center Health Statistics, NCHS).
It seems that many who stood at the altar and spoke the words "until death do us part" meant instead “until this gets too hard, or until I get bored with you and someone better comes along.” This is not to say that the millions of people who married and divorced over the past three decades ¾ including both authors of this book ¾ were being dishonest or deceptive while going through with those marriages and subsequent divorces. What is far more likely is that (with the help of the larger culture) many were deceiving themselves.
Women, since the 1960s have been working in greater numbers and are thus less economically dependent upon men. During this same period women have sought divorces much more frequently than before. The most recent data shows that nearly 70 percent of divorces are female initiated. While economic and legal changes have allowed more women to consider divorce, there are other, strictly emotional dynamics that may be pushing women from simply considering taking this step to going through with it.
Women have a deeper sense of what is possible in an emotional relationship, and with greater independence, many have been less willing to tolerate inadequate marital relationships. Men on the other hand seem more content inside a marriage especially if they are physically cared for by the female whom many have unconsciously come to relate to as mother replacements. Also, in many cases men who are unfamiliar with emotions have permitted the female to carry the emotions for both of them ¾ a burden that can become very difficult for the woman in a marriage.
At the most simplistic level, one which women often find offensive, many men tend to see marriage as an exchange of services. They take out the garbage, take care of the cars, and mow the lawn, while the woman tends to the inside of the house, offers sex and takes care of the children. For many men, this seems like an equal exchange, while women, when asked, tend to see this as too much giving on their part and not enough receiving.
When June and Stan came into therapy, June explained that the giving and the receiving in their marriage were out of balance. They both worked full time, yet June felt the burden of the housework and caring for the children. As the unconscious assumptions of this relationship were further exposed, it appeared that, at first, June gave these gifts without resentment, and Stan was only too happy to receive them. But with the passage of time, June began resenting the imbalance and, as her resentment grew, she began to close down emotionally towards Stan. With this emotional shut down, their sexual lives ceased, and Stan began to store up resentment towards June for withholding sex.
This is the stalemate June and Stan had reached when they began marriage therapy. But, it turns out, the reason they came at all was June's ultimatum to Stan. "Come with me to marriage therapy or I'm leaving you and taking the kids." Stan had to be shocked into seeing the problems in the relationship as real and threatening to the marriage itself. But as Stan was unwilling to go through a divorce, June’s decree that either they went into therapy or she wanted a separation worked to move the relationship towards healing.
The process of marriage therapy eventually helped Stan realize that the shutting down of sex was his responsibility as much as June's. Stan came to realize that June needed emotional satisfaction before she could open up to Stan sexually. He accepted the need to engage in foreplay, something he generally resented and avoided. Slowly Stan learned the harder lesson of how to pay attention to his own feelings, which allowed him to be more receptive to June's. As he became more knowledgeable about emotional connectedness, June became more available to Stan for sexual activity. She felt loved and reassured that Stan cared for her emotionally. With these changes the marriage began the healing process, with all the richness that is available when two people emotionally care about each other’s feelings.
Stan's ignorance of his own internal emotional life is very common. Men often have to learn about emotional connectedness after they get married, while women understand these principles naturally, although some women can be said to feel too much; they can find themselves flooded with emotions. For a marriage to work harmoniously, this imbalance has to change. Often, a wife can teach her husband about emotional satisfaction, and a husband can teach his wife about controlling her emotions when it's necessary to do so. Many men tend to be dismissive of emotions in human beings, and this attitude can make a man unwisely see his wife's emotional display as manipulative, and then harden himself towards her, which is the very thing you do not want to have happen if the marriage is going to improve.
The decision to dissolve a marriage is extremely personal. And while divorce is always a failure, sometimes it's a necessary one. Physical or emotional abuse is the main reason people should seek a divorce. Physical abuse is easy to assess, while emotional abuse is far more subjective. But this type of abuse is real and severely damaging to its victims. Emotional abuse can include one spouse making degrading remarks, being very controlling or emotionally neglecting the other spouse.
If one parent is violent or verbally abusive towards the other, the children will always side with the one who's been hurt. If you are the victim of spousal abuse, your first job is to find a safe place for you and your children. Try to avoid painting the image of the other parent as a perpetrator. This will ensure the children distrust the entire sex of the offending parent. Where a mother has conditioned a daughter to see her father as “evil”, she can grow up to view all men as “evil,” severely limiting her chances of having a good marriage.
Addiction is another extreme, potentially abusive situation. In cases where one spouse is in the grips of an addition to a substance, or to a behavior such as gambling, or sex, and refusing professional help for his addiction, separation or divorce may be necessary for the protection of the spouse and children. Many spouses dealing with an addicted partner find support and suggestions on how to help the addict without endangering themselves from the Al Anon twelve-step program. Associated with Alcoholics Anonymous, these all-volunteer organizations are in every community (check your phone book), and offer their valuable services anonymously and free of charge.
Before you make a decision to divorce your spouse, you should make at least one visit to a marriage and family therapist. Like a dentist is trained to understand what is happening to your teeth, therapists are trained to understand the difficulties within a marriage and family. Seeking outside guidance before making such a large decision is obviously desirable, just as it is better to go to the dentist than take a pair of pliers to extract a tooth from your own mouth because it is painful.
According to the NCHS, the divorce rate for people with higher levels of education has fallen slightly over the past decade, while the number of divorces for those without a college degree has stayed the same. Noted author on marriage, sociologist Stephanie Coontz attributes this difference to education giving people better communication and negotiation skills ¾ both essential for a marriage. Coontz also pointed to studies that show a wife's work outside the home tends to stabilize a marriage.
If you feel the need to divorce your partner but he does not wish this to happen, your first step should be to let your partner know what behavior of his is bothering you, and see if he can change it, and whether you can change your responses. Often, the best way to try to effect such changes, particularly if communication between you has broken down, are through marriage therapy. Better to pull out your own teeth with pliers than take on a divorce without outside guidance and counseling ¾ especially when underage children are involved. Still, the majority of divorces occur without any outside help sort, whether that help comes from a minister, Rabbi, or from a licensed therapist.
Before the legal and social sea changes that fundamentally altered the institution of marriage in the 1970s, unhappy spouses stayed married "for the sake of the children." In the decades since, this view has often been derided and denied as unnecessary, even antiquated. But, as one out of two marriages end in divorce, up to one million children per year experience the trauma of divorce. Only within the past ten years has it become undeniably clear that the negative impact on divorce on these children has been disproportionate (compared to their parents) and dire.
One landmark study on the impact of divorce on adult children conducted by Judith Wallerstein caused major reverberations when it was released in 1999. In it, Wallerstein and her colleagues resoundingly demonstrated that parental divorce caused heretofore unacknowledged emotional and behavioral negative consequences ¾ including mood disorders, school failures and relationship problems ¾ in 25 percent of adult children of divorce who were tracked in many cases into their forties. This was compared to 10 percent of adult children from intact families who experienced these problems.
Judith Wallerstein's study demolished a popular myth advocating the view that it is less harmful for children to experience the "temporary" trauma of divorce than to witness their parents' ongoing marital unhappiness. In reality, the degree of damage to children depends upon the level of unhappiness, or abuse they witness.
A good case can also be made that when children witness divorce they are seeing a harmful example of their parents' failure to keep a commitment. Which is the worse behavior for a child to witness first hand, marital conflict or the avoidance of commitment? Only you can decide, based on your own marriage, and personal experience.
This all assumes under age children are involved in the marriage. When two adults without children come to such a volatile crossroads in a relationship, the bar is obviously much lower. Personal growth can be valid reason for a divorce when one of the parties believes he has worked extremely hard to bring improvement to a marital relationship and is frustrated by a lack of effort by his spouse or a lack of results. But if children under eighteen are involved in your decision, the decision should be examined with much more care and concern for the children's welfare.
If there are under age children involved, perhaps other arrangements can be made so the marriage can continue until the youngest child reaches eighteen. You may be remain husband and wife and parent your children while maintaining quasi-independent lives. One of you may have an additional residence. Remember there are no longer any or many hard and fast rules for marriage. Each man and woman create most rules independently in a marital relationship. Seeking outside therapy can assist you find other ways to remain in relationship for the purpose of keeping your family intact until the children are older.
Once the youngest child is 18 years of age, any married person who has put up with a failed marriage should be entitled to follow his own inner calling and end the marriage, if he so desires. To take this idea to its extreme, perhaps all marriage licenses should expire upon the 18th birthday of the youngest child in a family. The couple that then wishes to continue being married would have to formally renew their marriage license, and reinvest in their union for the second half of their lives. With such a decision, perhaps a re-marriage ceremony and community celebration should take place.
This perspective, although radical, is presented to underscore the physic and practical benefits ¾ to you an your children ¾ of treating your original marriage vow as both real and permanent. The completion of the commitments you made when you married and especially after you created a child together contains an integrity that is often overlooked, worse, scorned as "old fashioned" in today's culture. Once again, underage children are the real victims of a divorce. It is their well-being that must be considered before the decision to divorce is made final, or before a family is dissolved.
Every marriage has good and bad times. Some don't make it through one year. Many others succumb at the aptly named "seven-year itch." If you thought your marriage had made it through these familiar pressure points, but now find it very troubled, first be aware that you're probably not thinking clearly right now. Emotions, from hurt and anger to grief or fear can be overwhelming. So how should you make the difficult emotional decision to divorce if you are currently weighing the possibility?
One deceptively simple method is to write out a list of the positive and negative aspects of your marriage and carefully weigh the pros and the cons. Put all the reasons for ending a marriage on one side of the page, and the reasons to stay married on the other side. Then attempt to give a weight or point value to each point, from one to ten, so that you rationally see what the choices are, how important each is, and why you ranking it thusly. The fact that your husband is a great father to your children might be given a point value of 10 and lead the "pro" column, while his inability to share his emotions may receive a six and go in the "con" column.
The idea is to slow down the decision-making process behind a divorce. When divorce is frivolously chosen, your experience of commitment is shortchanged. It is a dangerous romantic fantasy to believe that a good marriage is an easy one, free of conflict. The opposite is often true. A marriage that looks calm and peaceful on the outside can be stagnant, or even rage-filled on the inside. A good marriage provides a safe container for conflicts to be worked on and resolved. The only way to create this safe container is for both of you to make a rock solid commitment to keep working at it ¾ especially when the times get tough. It's not that divorce should be abandoned. Just because it is slowed down, does not mean divorce should be or could be taken away as an option.
Temporary separations can help a troubled marriage. The problems and the stress they cause can be mitigated with a little space from your togetherness. A separation can provide new insight into what is valuable and what cannot be tolerated in the marriage. Because many people fear that a separation always ends in divorce, they avoid it as an option. But many couples gain new vitality from spending some time apart from each other. Think of it as a trial divorce. Then you will better know what is best for you, your family and your children. In Stephen Martin's 30-year marriage therapy practice, roughly half the couples who tried trial separation got back together after six months. A trial separation may also help expose the real, perhaps hidden issue underlying one partner's desire for a divorce. For example, an issue that frequently leads to divorce is the deep unhappiness within one of the partners in a marriage. Often, that unhappiness is self-created, but, while living with his wife, the one feeling unhappy cannot completely understand his reasons for it. By the point at which he is considering divorce, he could be projecting that unhappiness on his partner. He may believe that if he were no longer married to her, he would find happiness.
If this is the case, it's best for the one feeling deep unhappiness to perhaps spend some time living alone, and/or seek individual therapy to see if the problem can be corrected within himself, thus making a divorce unnecessary. If, on the other hand, the problem is toxicity within the relationship, and he is convinced that the toxicity cannot change, perhaps a divorce is the only reasonable alternative.
Divorce ends a marriage, but should it end a family? Everyone needs the safety and support of a family, and when it is torn apart by a divorce, the consequences can be disastrous. In order to minimize the damage to the children should a divorce become necessary, marital issues between Mom and Dad should be kept out of view from the rest of the family. The relationship between two married people is distinct from the relationship between a mother and a father of a family. Wise parents who need to divorce know that divorce does not end a family, and they struggle to it together while they let go of their marriage.
To facilitate this, each parent should obviously refrain from telling the children her personal grievances with the other parent. Unfortunately this rarely happens as emotions spill over and inside the emotional disruption, parents tend to complain about the other parent in front of the children. Immature parents either consciously or unconsciously wish to force the children to make choices between mother, and a father. Nothing can disrupt a child’s life more than siding with one parent over the other, and to have the parents encourage this alienation from one parent. Children never want to choose. When this happens it inevitably is the result of either parent forcing this decision, unless the children witness extreme abuse.
When telling children of a coming divorce it is best to have the child see her own therapist to handle the emotional disruption she is experiencing. Give as few details as you can, and only answer questions she asks. Attempt to have children remain non judgmental about the coming divorce. Teach them it is not their fault. Most children blame themselves when a divorce occurs. If only they had been better children, their parents would not need to divorce. Whatever the situation in a family or stepfamily, divorce is never a child's fault; it is the failure of two adults to get along as husband and wife.
Let your children know you will always be a father and a mother to them, that what is changing is simply the role of husband and wife. Again, the family is not divorcing; the husband and the wife are changing their roles inside the marriage, not inside their family.
After a divorce, emotionally mature parents try to get along as parents, and let their marriage go. This means your conversations as parents should (at first) be limited to just the children and their well-being. Sensible parents know that you never divorce a child, even if you have to divorce the child's other parent.
The key to success in this difficult transition is making a distinction between your roles as husband and wife and separating those roles from mother and father. Healthy families navigate a divorce by understanding the different roles, and never destroy the role of the other parent in the eyes of their children.
If you need to complain about your ex, never do it with the children. Find friends or seek professional guidance to grieve the loss of the marriage and release the anger of a divorce. Usually a divorce will take at least three years to heal from. Allow yourself the time to grieve, be angry, to feel hurt and disappointed, but keep this from your children. Children never want to choose between good parents…. they always want their parents to get along and love each other. Sometimes it takes a divorce to accept the other parent of your children. If this is the case, and you've tried many different approaches, unsuccessfully, to save the marriage, perhaps the divorce was necessary. Better to get along as Mom and Dad than hate each other as husband and wife.
Friday, October 03, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Why Does the State grant Marriage Licenses without any evidence of proficiency?
Why Does the State grant Marriage Licenses without any evidence of proficiency?
Before you are granted a driving license, you are required to prove to the state issuing the license that you know how to drive. This is good common sense as a car can be a destructive machine when not operated correctly. If you do not know what you are doing, you can hurt yourself and others.
Does anyone doubt marriage can be destructive to human beings, families and society when they fail? To assume proficiency before granting a marriage license is to take a huge chance on the lives of many people, especially the children that are born into such a disastrous contract.
What is the purpose of a marriage license? Is it a mere formality? Is it a romantic fantasy permitted by the State without requirements just so they can raise revenue by charging a fee? Historically, marriage is the legal mechanism that permits property to be properly distributed upon death? The license assumes certain inherent rights and codified rules that shall be followed. A license to marry is granted by the State to the individuals wishing to marry, and it formalizes financial agreements that the State has codified.
I believe in most States, there are only two requirements before a license to marry is granted. One is that both parties are of the legal age for marriage. The other guarantee is that there be only one partner permitted at a time. Polygamy is not permitted in this country, although multiple marriages are permitted as long as a divorce occurs in between those marriages.
Is this really enough to grant a license? After all, a license grants certain rights. If you don’t like the rules of the license, you should not get married.
Why do we permit a condition to exist where the majority of marriages end in divorce in this country? The answer is complex, but divorce began in earnest after the State changed the rules about requiring fraud be proved before a divorce would be granted. This change was necessary because divorce degrees became very odious and a public scandal where human inadequacies were testified to in a court of law and made public to all. So now we have a condition called “no fault” divorce, which allows a divorce to be granted when one person wants the marriage to end.
But what about the children of failed marriages? Are they not casualties we need to consider before we so casually grant licenses to people who wish to be married? Why should licenses be necessary to demonstrate proficiency in handling an automobile, but not the potentially far more hazardous matter of marriage? Surely there should be more to it than just a revenue-collecting device. And if that is the main reason States grant a license to marry, it is a very cynical view of a marriage.
As a licensed Marriage and family Therapist who deals exclusively with marital and family issues, I would propose society establish more evidence of proficiency before granting a license to marry. I would like to see mandatory premarital counseling and educational course about marriage and family given by either the Church or the psychotherapy profession. I know many ministers and pastors who will not perform marriages without such thoughtful preparation. They take their role as minister seriously, and as with other sacraments of the church, require thoughtful study before solemnizing a marriage in their churches.
I believe this is responsible action on behalf of the Church. But it is not the church that grants the license. It is the State. You don’t need a church to marry you. So surely it is the State that is ultimately responsible to make sure a potential couple are competent. If we as a society are ever going to take seriously the downward spiral of family life in this country, we must eventually require educational evidence that two people are ready to receive a license to marry before the license is granted.
Is marriage a serious institution or is it the playground of the romantics? When Britney Spears got married in Las Vegas several years ago and divorced the following day, it made a mockery of the entire institution of marriage. Such weddings, entered into impulsively in a moment of fun, should no more be allowed than giving children a license to drive ‘just for fun’.
Eventually the States are going to have to hold the granting of marriage licenses more seriously than they currently do. This will happen when we as a society become disgusted with the current state of divorces and the human catastrophe that results. Surely some educational requirements before the license is granted would go a long way towards putting this right.
Before you are granted a driving license, you are required to prove to the state issuing the license that you know how to drive. This is good common sense as a car can be a destructive machine when not operated correctly. If you do not know what you are doing, you can hurt yourself and others.
Does anyone doubt marriage can be destructive to human beings, families and society when they fail? To assume proficiency before granting a marriage license is to take a huge chance on the lives of many people, especially the children that are born into such a disastrous contract.
What is the purpose of a marriage license? Is it a mere formality? Is it a romantic fantasy permitted by the State without requirements just so they can raise revenue by charging a fee? Historically, marriage is the legal mechanism that permits property to be properly distributed upon death? The license assumes certain inherent rights and codified rules that shall be followed. A license to marry is granted by the State to the individuals wishing to marry, and it formalizes financial agreements that the State has codified.
I believe in most States, there are only two requirements before a license to marry is granted. One is that both parties are of the legal age for marriage. The other guarantee is that there be only one partner permitted at a time. Polygamy is not permitted in this country, although multiple marriages are permitted as long as a divorce occurs in between those marriages.
Is this really enough to grant a license? After all, a license grants certain rights. If you don’t like the rules of the license, you should not get married.
Why do we permit a condition to exist where the majority of marriages end in divorce in this country? The answer is complex, but divorce began in earnest after the State changed the rules about requiring fraud be proved before a divorce would be granted. This change was necessary because divorce degrees became very odious and a public scandal where human inadequacies were testified to in a court of law and made public to all. So now we have a condition called “no fault” divorce, which allows a divorce to be granted when one person wants the marriage to end.
But what about the children of failed marriages? Are they not casualties we need to consider before we so casually grant licenses to people who wish to be married? Why should licenses be necessary to demonstrate proficiency in handling an automobile, but not the potentially far more hazardous matter of marriage? Surely there should be more to it than just a revenue-collecting device. And if that is the main reason States grant a license to marry, it is a very cynical view of a marriage.
As a licensed Marriage and family Therapist who deals exclusively with marital and family issues, I would propose society establish more evidence of proficiency before granting a license to marry. I would like to see mandatory premarital counseling and educational course about marriage and family given by either the Church or the psychotherapy profession. I know many ministers and pastors who will not perform marriages without such thoughtful preparation. They take their role as minister seriously, and as with other sacraments of the church, require thoughtful study before solemnizing a marriage in their churches.
I believe this is responsible action on behalf of the Church. But it is not the church that grants the license. It is the State. You don’t need a church to marry you. So surely it is the State that is ultimately responsible to make sure a potential couple are competent. If we as a society are ever going to take seriously the downward spiral of family life in this country, we must eventually require educational evidence that two people are ready to receive a license to marry before the license is granted.
Is marriage a serious institution or is it the playground of the romantics? When Britney Spears got married in Las Vegas several years ago and divorced the following day, it made a mockery of the entire institution of marriage. Such weddings, entered into impulsively in a moment of fun, should no more be allowed than giving children a license to drive ‘just for fun’.
Eventually the States are going to have to hold the granting of marriage licenses more seriously than they currently do. This will happen when we as a society become disgusted with the current state of divorces and the human catastrophe that results. Surely some educational requirements before the license is granted would go a long way towards putting this right.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Should Your Marriage Be Saved?
One of the most troubling questions I encounter during the first session of therapy with couples is "Should we work on our marriage or should we end it?"
My answer is always the same. "I assume if you have taken the time to call me and discuss this question with a marriage therapist then their answer is 'yes.' Otherwise, you would be seeing a divorce lawyer."
Never go to a marriage therapist and expect them to answer this question any other way. To do otherwise, is like going to a doctor and asking whether or not you should live, or give up and die. A doctor is in the business of saving lives. It's the same with a marriage therapist who assists couples in repairing marriages. I never presume a couple wants to end their commitment, and let their marriage die.
Divorce is often a lack of imagination about how to live in a committed relationship. The real feeling that exists behind a couples' statement that they wish to end their marriage often is, “We are exhausted by trying the same old patterns and encountering the same failure. Can you give us any ideas how we can be different in this relationship?”
Now that is an excellent place to begin. So lets explore the possibilities.
After thirty years of doing marriage counseling, I have found that, in most cases, within thirty minutes of listening to a couple, I can see what needs to change in a marriage. Of course, most couples are not ready to hear what I can see after listening to them for just thirty minutes.
They first want to complain, release their anger, and express their frustration. Then, perhaps, they're ready to hear what is needed to repair the damage.
Marriage counseling is not rocket science. It involves a basic comprehension of couple dynamics and the skills to help the couple see what it is they need to do differently in order to heal their marriage.
Although marriage counseling may not be a complicated process, I would say that marriage is the most complicated human relationship I know of. It is more complex than parent / child, employee / employer, or any other family relationship. Why is this so?
It's complicated because, in order for it to work, the modern institution of marriage must be an equal relationship. In the work place, democracy doesn’t rule. The boss is in charge. In the parent child relationship, the parents are in charge, or they should be. As many parents have found out the hard way, setting boundaries for one's children is the only parenting style that enables children to feel secure enough to become responsible, self-confident adults.
But in marriage, the two partners need an equal relationship. If your relationship is not equal, it will breed a power struggle. When one spouse holds more power than the other, eventually that relationship must come unglued. The reason is simple. An imbalance in the distribution of power will create disrespect and passive aggressive behavior. The more powerful spouse will disrespect the weaker one, and the weaker one will express their hostile feelings in a passive-aggressive manner.
This imbalance of power is at the heart of most marital problems. It affects the self-esteem of both individuals in the relationship and results in the one who is weaker sabotaging the one who is more powerful.
Many marriages of this kind are held together by the negative use of power. For example, traditionally men have the power over money, while women have the power over sex. As a result, in marital therapy, sex and money are the two most disputed issues. But, most declared problems are not the real problem. The real issues lie under the surface and have never been deeply examined. The couple must look beyond their money and sex issues to see the underlying power struggle that has created their dsyfunctionality. Until they see this deeper dynamic, they will go around in circles fighting and struggling, complaining and hurting each other, but never really knowing what is at the route of their problems.
In my experience, most couples blind themselves to their real issues, preferring to instead fight about issues that are merely symptoms of these underlying issues. Until the real issues are addressed, the couple will never heal.
Enter the competent marriage therapist. He should see the underlying dynamic of a marriage and have the experience to guide the couple to heal their original wounds.
Not getting to the bottom of the real issues is like the story of the princess and the pea under the mattress. No matter how many mattresses she placed on top of the original mattress, until the pea is found and removed, will she not be able to sleep. Good marriage therapy finds the pea under the mattresses, and teaches the couple how to remove the disruptions that are causing their strife.
My answer is always the same. "I assume if you have taken the time to call me and discuss this question with a marriage therapist then their answer is 'yes.' Otherwise, you would be seeing a divorce lawyer."
Never go to a marriage therapist and expect them to answer this question any other way. To do otherwise, is like going to a doctor and asking whether or not you should live, or give up and die. A doctor is in the business of saving lives. It's the same with a marriage therapist who assists couples in repairing marriages. I never presume a couple wants to end their commitment, and let their marriage die.
Divorce is often a lack of imagination about how to live in a committed relationship. The real feeling that exists behind a couples' statement that they wish to end their marriage often is, “We are exhausted by trying the same old patterns and encountering the same failure. Can you give us any ideas how we can be different in this relationship?”
Now that is an excellent place to begin. So lets explore the possibilities.
After thirty years of doing marriage counseling, I have found that, in most cases, within thirty minutes of listening to a couple, I can see what needs to change in a marriage. Of course, most couples are not ready to hear what I can see after listening to them for just thirty minutes.
They first want to complain, release their anger, and express their frustration. Then, perhaps, they're ready to hear what is needed to repair the damage.
Marriage counseling is not rocket science. It involves a basic comprehension of couple dynamics and the skills to help the couple see what it is they need to do differently in order to heal their marriage.
Although marriage counseling may not be a complicated process, I would say that marriage is the most complicated human relationship I know of. It is more complex than parent / child, employee / employer, or any other family relationship. Why is this so?
It's complicated because, in order for it to work, the modern institution of marriage must be an equal relationship. In the work place, democracy doesn’t rule. The boss is in charge. In the parent child relationship, the parents are in charge, or they should be. As many parents have found out the hard way, setting boundaries for one's children is the only parenting style that enables children to feel secure enough to become responsible, self-confident adults.
But in marriage, the two partners need an equal relationship. If your relationship is not equal, it will breed a power struggle. When one spouse holds more power than the other, eventually that relationship must come unglued. The reason is simple. An imbalance in the distribution of power will create disrespect and passive aggressive behavior. The more powerful spouse will disrespect the weaker one, and the weaker one will express their hostile feelings in a passive-aggressive manner.
This imbalance of power is at the heart of most marital problems. It affects the self-esteem of both individuals in the relationship and results in the one who is weaker sabotaging the one who is more powerful.
Many marriages of this kind are held together by the negative use of power. For example, traditionally men have the power over money, while women have the power over sex. As a result, in marital therapy, sex and money are the two most disputed issues. But, most declared problems are not the real problem. The real issues lie under the surface and have never been deeply examined. The couple must look beyond their money and sex issues to see the underlying power struggle that has created their dsyfunctionality. Until they see this deeper dynamic, they will go around in circles fighting and struggling, complaining and hurting each other, but never really knowing what is at the route of their problems.
In my experience, most couples blind themselves to their real issues, preferring to instead fight about issues that are merely symptoms of these underlying issues. Until the real issues are addressed, the couple will never heal.
Enter the competent marriage therapist. He should see the underlying dynamic of a marriage and have the experience to guide the couple to heal their original wounds.
Not getting to the bottom of the real issues is like the story of the princess and the pea under the mattress. No matter how many mattresses she placed on top of the original mattress, until the pea is found and removed, will she not be able to sleep. Good marriage therapy finds the pea under the mattresses, and teaches the couple how to remove the disruptions that are causing their strife.
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Main Reason Marriages Fail
I have been a full time marriage therapist in private practice for the past 27 years. I have worked with literally thousands of marriages and observed and analyzed marriage in more detail than the vast majority of people. I have seen all sides of marriage - the good, the bad and the ugly. And if you asked me why do some marriages self-destruct here is my answer. And although there is a danger of being simplistic, I believe there is one overriding reason why marriages fail.
Put simply, it is the unhappiness of one, projected upon the other. What do I mean? I am referring to the human tendency to blame others for your own inner feelings. We have a long history of blaming others for our difficulties. Our entire legal system is set up around this premise. If someone is wronged, they hire a lawyer who will fight for their rights in court to prove one right and the other wrong. Or, at least to show one ‘more’ right and the other ‘more’ wrong. Also, because we are a capitalistic economic system, the law assigns financial remuneration to the ‘victim’ and mandates that the ‘perpetrator’ financially compensate the ‘victim’ for the wrong done.
Of course lawyers who receive their income from fighting these legal battles believe this system to be the best way to make meaningful changes in our society. Lawyers are not paid if they do not win their case. So the incentive is to prove one right, and the other wrong. Lawyers might question this assessment, but I do not wish to debate this issue here, I merely wish to point out that we as a society have been programmed to believe that it is reasonable to assign one as victim and the other as perpetrator, or one as right and the other as wrong.
Once you accept this premise, it is easy to understand how inside marriage, whenever one party feels unhappy, they might assume that their partner is in some way responsible. Then, believing that all the negative feelings they have within themselves are their partner’s fault, the fighting begins. Eventually that fighting takes on a life of its own. It is fueled by our communal cultural belief system that one is right and the other is wrong, and obviously it is you who are right, and your partner is therefore wrong.
Once this process begins, the marriage is doomed to continual battles. If you believe your feelings are your partner’s responsibility, the marriage can never improve until your partner changes. Once you believe the problems you face in life are your partner’s fault, the marriage goes down the slippery slope into despair.
Is there an alternative to this system? Of course there is. But it requires you rethink the victim mentality concept. If you see yourself as a victim of your partner’s behavior, this establishes a classic power struggle that eats away the good will inside your marriage and destines the relationship to perpetual power struggles and conflict, unless your partner passively accepts all the blame for all the problems you face in your life. But once this occurs, you will lose all respect for your partner and become bored and disinterested in your relationship, and label your partner as passive aggressive. The victim / perpetrator model for human relationships guarantees the relationship will never attain the levels of human intimacy that are possible when both partners are individually strong and respectfully support each other to become the best they can be.
The solution is for everyone to take full responsibility for their own feelings, and not project their unhappiness upon their partner. Once you become aware you are internally dissatisfied, it becomes your responsibility to change yourself to fix the unhappiness. Not that you should not communicate where you feel wronged or that you cannot request your partner consider some changes if they are realistic. That is a perfectly acceptable communication, as long as it is delivered responsibly and in an adult fashion. Many couples lash out at each other when angry, just like a child might throw objects at another child when they feel overwhelmed. Marriage is for adults. Children of whatever age should avoid such a complex relationship as marriage.
To have a successful marriage both partners must accept personal responsibility for their own feelings and their own behaviors inside their marriage, and both partners must accept the consequences of their behaviors. Projecting your unhappiness onto your partner inevitably leads to fighting, perpetual struggle and eventually a massive meltdown inside your marriage.
So let me repeat after observing thousands of marriages, it is my conclusion that the most destructive quality for marriages is the childish need to hold your partner responsible for your internal unhappiness, with the resulting expectation that they need to change, so you can be fulfilled.
Put simply, it is the unhappiness of one, projected upon the other. What do I mean? I am referring to the human tendency to blame others for your own inner feelings. We have a long history of blaming others for our difficulties. Our entire legal system is set up around this premise. If someone is wronged, they hire a lawyer who will fight for their rights in court to prove one right and the other wrong. Or, at least to show one ‘more’ right and the other ‘more’ wrong. Also, because we are a capitalistic economic system, the law assigns financial remuneration to the ‘victim’ and mandates that the ‘perpetrator’ financially compensate the ‘victim’ for the wrong done.
Of course lawyers who receive their income from fighting these legal battles believe this system to be the best way to make meaningful changes in our society. Lawyers are not paid if they do not win their case. So the incentive is to prove one right, and the other wrong. Lawyers might question this assessment, but I do not wish to debate this issue here, I merely wish to point out that we as a society have been programmed to believe that it is reasonable to assign one as victim and the other as perpetrator, or one as right and the other as wrong.
Once you accept this premise, it is easy to understand how inside marriage, whenever one party feels unhappy, they might assume that their partner is in some way responsible. Then, believing that all the negative feelings they have within themselves are their partner’s fault, the fighting begins. Eventually that fighting takes on a life of its own. It is fueled by our communal cultural belief system that one is right and the other is wrong, and obviously it is you who are right, and your partner is therefore wrong.
Once this process begins, the marriage is doomed to continual battles. If you believe your feelings are your partner’s responsibility, the marriage can never improve until your partner changes. Once you believe the problems you face in life are your partner’s fault, the marriage goes down the slippery slope into despair.
Is there an alternative to this system? Of course there is. But it requires you rethink the victim mentality concept. If you see yourself as a victim of your partner’s behavior, this establishes a classic power struggle that eats away the good will inside your marriage and destines the relationship to perpetual power struggles and conflict, unless your partner passively accepts all the blame for all the problems you face in your life. But once this occurs, you will lose all respect for your partner and become bored and disinterested in your relationship, and label your partner as passive aggressive. The victim / perpetrator model for human relationships guarantees the relationship will never attain the levels of human intimacy that are possible when both partners are individually strong and respectfully support each other to become the best they can be.
The solution is for everyone to take full responsibility for their own feelings, and not project their unhappiness upon their partner. Once you become aware you are internally dissatisfied, it becomes your responsibility to change yourself to fix the unhappiness. Not that you should not communicate where you feel wronged or that you cannot request your partner consider some changes if they are realistic. That is a perfectly acceptable communication, as long as it is delivered responsibly and in an adult fashion. Many couples lash out at each other when angry, just like a child might throw objects at another child when they feel overwhelmed. Marriage is for adults. Children of whatever age should avoid such a complex relationship as marriage.
To have a successful marriage both partners must accept personal responsibility for their own feelings and their own behaviors inside their marriage, and both partners must accept the consequences of their behaviors. Projecting your unhappiness onto your partner inevitably leads to fighting, perpetual struggle and eventually a massive meltdown inside your marriage.
So let me repeat after observing thousands of marriages, it is my conclusion that the most destructive quality for marriages is the childish need to hold your partner responsible for your internal unhappiness, with the resulting expectation that they need to change, so you can be fulfilled.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Life in the rear view mirror.
"And if life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car.
And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are"
Meatloaf.
Object in the rear view mirror always appear closer than they are. It is an optical illusion. It not only is an illusion when looking in a rear view mirror, it is as Meatloaf suggests, an illusion relevant to human life and our personal history. The incidents of the past appear closer than they are when you feel distressed and horrified by your personal history.
What are the issues associated with looking in the rear view mirror of life? Life must be directed by looking backwards to get some idea how we should operate in the present and future. Life is guided forwards, by looking backwards. But looking back has dangers that need to be understood and we need to remember that the perception of the past distorts the reality of the present, just as objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are.
As a psychotherapist with 26 years of hands on experience, I know you must look in the rear view mirror of life to heal. It is absolutely true that some digging into the past is essential for emotional healing. The issue is how much digging, and how much exploration is essential. And once begun, how do you stop the endless obsessing over the past having uncovered the secrets.
Woody Allen has made a career out of digging into his past. He has found the funny side of his neurosis and used it to make movies that are witty and entertaining. But how much of his behavior is valuable for the rest of us who have no need to make funny movies about neurotic people?
Why look backwards, and how far backwards do you need to look? Unless you have learnt from the past, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes. That is the human way. Unconscious behavior repeats itself over and over again, until we have integrated the lessons of the past and we no longer need to repeat them. This is the case for looking in the rear view mirror of life.
But having learnt from the past, when do we cease looking backwards? When do objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are? I suspect once you have become obsessed with the past you have gone too far. If the objective is emotional healing, and the behavior of searching through the past has become obsessional, then I would assume looking backwards has gone way too far.
In reality there is no past or future, there is only the present. Now is the present. The past is gone, and the future is undefined. There is nothing about the future that is real in the present. Yet we can become obsessed with the future and the past and miss the present moment. This is the great truth offered by Eastern religion. Western religion focuses upon the future (heaven and hell), while eastern philosophy teaches the value of living in the present moment, the “now”.
The concepts may be hard to grasp, but the consequences are large. All fear is a reaction to the past or the future. In present time nothing exists that needs to be feared. Yet we all live with fears. And all fears come from looking in the rear view mirror, where objects appear closer than they are. Fear is a clear distortion of reality, and it can only be healed by living in the present moment, which means giving up looking in the rear view mirror.
The important message to gain from this discussion is that while the past and the future may be intriguing, they are largely irrelevant. Present time is the only moment that exists and once you have gained that wisdom, you are capable of producing happiness for yourself. Without this understanding you are looking at life through the distortion of the rear view mirror. And you are driving your car forward while being distracted by the past.
And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are"
Meatloaf.
Object in the rear view mirror always appear closer than they are. It is an optical illusion. It not only is an illusion when looking in a rear view mirror, it is as Meatloaf suggests, an illusion relevant to human life and our personal history. The incidents of the past appear closer than they are when you feel distressed and horrified by your personal history.
What are the issues associated with looking in the rear view mirror of life? Life must be directed by looking backwards to get some idea how we should operate in the present and future. Life is guided forwards, by looking backwards. But looking back has dangers that need to be understood and we need to remember that the perception of the past distorts the reality of the present, just as objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are.
As a psychotherapist with 26 years of hands on experience, I know you must look in the rear view mirror of life to heal. It is absolutely true that some digging into the past is essential for emotional healing. The issue is how much digging, and how much exploration is essential. And once begun, how do you stop the endless obsessing over the past having uncovered the secrets.
Woody Allen has made a career out of digging into his past. He has found the funny side of his neurosis and used it to make movies that are witty and entertaining. But how much of his behavior is valuable for the rest of us who have no need to make funny movies about neurotic people?
Why look backwards, and how far backwards do you need to look? Unless you have learnt from the past, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes. That is the human way. Unconscious behavior repeats itself over and over again, until we have integrated the lessons of the past and we no longer need to repeat them. This is the case for looking in the rear view mirror of life.
But having learnt from the past, when do we cease looking backwards? When do objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are? I suspect once you have become obsessed with the past you have gone too far. If the objective is emotional healing, and the behavior of searching through the past has become obsessional, then I would assume looking backwards has gone way too far.
In reality there is no past or future, there is only the present. Now is the present. The past is gone, and the future is undefined. There is nothing about the future that is real in the present. Yet we can become obsessed with the future and the past and miss the present moment. This is the great truth offered by Eastern religion. Western religion focuses upon the future (heaven and hell), while eastern philosophy teaches the value of living in the present moment, the “now”.
The concepts may be hard to grasp, but the consequences are large. All fear is a reaction to the past or the future. In present time nothing exists that needs to be feared. Yet we all live with fears. And all fears come from looking in the rear view mirror, where objects appear closer than they are. Fear is a clear distortion of reality, and it can only be healed by living in the present moment, which means giving up looking in the rear view mirror.
The important message to gain from this discussion is that while the past and the future may be intriguing, they are largely irrelevant. Present time is the only moment that exists and once you have gained that wisdom, you are capable of producing happiness for yourself. Without this understanding you are looking at life through the distortion of the rear view mirror. And you are driving your car forward while being distracted by the past.
“Even As Love Crowns You So Shall He Crucify You”
One of the most beautiful books of poetry ever written is ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran. Gibran is perhaps the greatest Sufi poet along with Rumi. Sufi’s are the mystical branch of the Muslim religion as the Kabala is the mystical branch of Judaism. In this wonderful expression of wisdom in poetry, the Prophet who lives on top of the mountain sees his ship coming from afar, signifying that he is ready to die, and complete this life’s journey.
Before the prophet leaves this home by ship into death, he moves down from the top of the mountain, where he is asked a series of questions by the people of the village of Orphalese who have gathered to say goodbye. The questions they ask him are the fundamentals questions we all ask about life. The questions include what is love, marriage, children, work, giving, pleasure, death, and many other fascinating topics. The first question that he is asked is “what is love”. The Prophet proclaims his vision of love, which along with the Apostle Paul’s description in Corinthians 13, is perhaps the most beautiful description on the topic of love.
Inherent within the discourse is the point that love is our teacher, and that love gives us the opportunity to refine our human soul. The prophet says, “Love is for your growth and for your pruning.” Love will teach you many joyful, and difficult lessons. The centerpiece of the prophet’s teaching is that love shall both crown you and crucify you. Love shall instruct you and perfect you. Love shall prepare you for the next stage of the journey into eternity.
“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you…He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.”
The Prophet goes on to say, “But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”
Love is according to all ancient wisdoms, the paramount teacher. Love is both wonderful and extremely difficult. The lessons of love are priceless. Yet most of us think of love as an emotion that is sweet, easy, happy and joyous. We think of love as an emotion only, rather than a spiritual force that changes us and perfects our spirit. The Prophet teaches that this is not so. Love can and will crucify you, but in so doing the character and personal growth is well worth all the pain. Those who have chosen the spiritual path know this well. To love is to open yourself up, to become vulnerable. To love is to be open to pain, hurt, depression and sadness. But it is also to be open to joy, delight, excitement and happiness. It is far better to love and suffer from that love, than to never have loved at all. There are risks in loving, but the rewards are much greater than the suffering in the view of the Prophet.
As a Therapist I can tell you much of the work of therapy is hard and rigorous, but the rewards are beyond verbal description. To end the pain of the ego, to find the peace in solitude, to come to acceptance and to give up control, these are the priceless qualities produced within us when we enter love’s threshing floor. As a Therapist who acts as a guide for people upon their personal spiritual path, I am privileged to watch in awe as human’s wrestle with their inner demons, do battle with their ego self, resist the dark side, and reach for the impossible dream. And with love as the master, the rewards of such work are magnificent to observe. I am continually humbled as I observe the work people do in therapy to resolve their inner conflicts, to come to peace with their dark side, and to find all that love has to offer.
Love truly is the ultimate teacher.
Before the prophet leaves this home by ship into death, he moves down from the top of the mountain, where he is asked a series of questions by the people of the village of Orphalese who have gathered to say goodbye. The questions they ask him are the fundamentals questions we all ask about life. The questions include what is love, marriage, children, work, giving, pleasure, death, and many other fascinating topics. The first question that he is asked is “what is love”. The Prophet proclaims his vision of love, which along with the Apostle Paul’s description in Corinthians 13, is perhaps the most beautiful description on the topic of love.
Inherent within the discourse is the point that love is our teacher, and that love gives us the opportunity to refine our human soul. The prophet says, “Love is for your growth and for your pruning.” Love will teach you many joyful, and difficult lessons. The centerpiece of the prophet’s teaching is that love shall both crown you and crucify you. Love shall instruct you and perfect you. Love shall prepare you for the next stage of the journey into eternity.
“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you…He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.”
The Prophet goes on to say, “But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”
Love is according to all ancient wisdoms, the paramount teacher. Love is both wonderful and extremely difficult. The lessons of love are priceless. Yet most of us think of love as an emotion that is sweet, easy, happy and joyous. We think of love as an emotion only, rather than a spiritual force that changes us and perfects our spirit. The Prophet teaches that this is not so. Love can and will crucify you, but in so doing the character and personal growth is well worth all the pain. Those who have chosen the spiritual path know this well. To love is to open yourself up, to become vulnerable. To love is to be open to pain, hurt, depression and sadness. But it is also to be open to joy, delight, excitement and happiness. It is far better to love and suffer from that love, than to never have loved at all. There are risks in loving, but the rewards are much greater than the suffering in the view of the Prophet.
As a Therapist I can tell you much of the work of therapy is hard and rigorous, but the rewards are beyond verbal description. To end the pain of the ego, to find the peace in solitude, to come to acceptance and to give up control, these are the priceless qualities produced within us when we enter love’s threshing floor. As a Therapist who acts as a guide for people upon their personal spiritual path, I am privileged to watch in awe as human’s wrestle with their inner demons, do battle with their ego self, resist the dark side, and reach for the impossible dream. And with love as the master, the rewards of such work are magnificent to observe. I am continually humbled as I observe the work people do in therapy to resolve their inner conflicts, to come to peace with their dark side, and to find all that love has to offer.
Love truly is the ultimate teacher.
The Secret of Good Marriage Counseling.
The carpenter uses a hammer, the mechanic a wrench. What does the marriage
counselors use to create the magic during a marital therapy session? Marriage counseling is a relatively new profession, unless you consider religious leaders as the predecessors
of the vocation. As a profession, marriage counseling is less than sixty
years old. And it is really only in the last twenty years that it has become accepted as having real value for society.
The secret of good marriage counseling is simple. It is assumed that when a
couple experiences a breakdown in their marriage, communication is the problem. And that with clear communication, solutions can emerge. So how does the therapist
create the context so that the truth can appear?
The secret is in listening for the pain, and then looking for the love. The pain
is the confusion that has gotten in between two people who began there
relationship with optimism, but now find that it has become entangled with
emotional pain, discontent and disillusionment. The pain must be released, or forgiven, for healing to occur, and it can only be released once it is stated, expressed, and understood. When a relationship is in trouble, both of the partners are in pain. One often appears more in pain than the other, but this is really an illusion. Couples mirror each other. If the relationship is to heal, both have to get in touch with their communal emotional pain, even though one may express the pain while the other is stoic.
Listening for the love is the healing work of marriage counseling. As the
pain comes out, so will the faint whispers of love and commitment be
expressed. Listening for these faint cries is the essential work of the therapist, as the couple has probably lost sight of the caring, the commitment, and the love they felt for
each other when they began their marriage. Getting both individuals in touch with that love is what heals the hurt, and rebuilds the trust. This is the skill the marriage counselor brings to the experience.
Sometimes, but not often, marriage counseling ends in a couple divorcing. Mostly, couples find ways to carry on, working through the issues until the love is permitted to return and blossom. In my experience, most marriage counseling is successful, when success is defined as carrying forward with the commitment made at the beginning of the marriage. Most couples still promise “till death do us part” and assisting two people find the love they have temporarily lost because the pain has become larger than the joy is the secret to good therapy.
The work of counseling marriages is a sacred task. The therapist is invited
into the most vulnerable places of a couples intimate relationship. The counselor is
the mediator for the marriage. The marriage is the client and the husband and the wife are seen as the two individual parts of the whole. Good marriage counseling honors the relationship, and helps both parties return to the joy and the love that was present when they started their commitment.
So what is the secret for finding a good marriage therapist? Get referrals from friends or professionals, and then talk to the therapist ahead of scheduling an appointment and ask them their philosophy and how they practice their trade. Try the therapist once, and if it doesn’t feel right or an emotionally safe place for you and your partner, immediately look for another therapist. If you are not certain the therapist you are seeing is right for you, they probably aren’t. Not every therapist is appropriate for everyone. Marriage counseling is a highly personal experience and if you do not feel honored, heard and that you can trust the therapist, find one who will serve your needs. Finding the right therapist is your responsibility; don’t expect the therapist to tell you they are not appropriate for you.
counselors use to create the magic during a marital therapy session? Marriage counseling is a relatively new profession, unless you consider religious leaders as the predecessors
of the vocation. As a profession, marriage counseling is less than sixty
years old. And it is really only in the last twenty years that it has become accepted as having real value for society.
The secret of good marriage counseling is simple. It is assumed that when a
couple experiences a breakdown in their marriage, communication is the problem. And that with clear communication, solutions can emerge. So how does the therapist
create the context so that the truth can appear?
The secret is in listening for the pain, and then looking for the love. The pain
is the confusion that has gotten in between two people who began there
relationship with optimism, but now find that it has become entangled with
emotional pain, discontent and disillusionment. The pain must be released, or forgiven, for healing to occur, and it can only be released once it is stated, expressed, and understood. When a relationship is in trouble, both of the partners are in pain. One often appears more in pain than the other, but this is really an illusion. Couples mirror each other. If the relationship is to heal, both have to get in touch with their communal emotional pain, even though one may express the pain while the other is stoic.
Listening for the love is the healing work of marriage counseling. As the
pain comes out, so will the faint whispers of love and commitment be
expressed. Listening for these faint cries is the essential work of the therapist, as the couple has probably lost sight of the caring, the commitment, and the love they felt for
each other when they began their marriage. Getting both individuals in touch with that love is what heals the hurt, and rebuilds the trust. This is the skill the marriage counselor brings to the experience.
Sometimes, but not often, marriage counseling ends in a couple divorcing. Mostly, couples find ways to carry on, working through the issues until the love is permitted to return and blossom. In my experience, most marriage counseling is successful, when success is defined as carrying forward with the commitment made at the beginning of the marriage. Most couples still promise “till death do us part” and assisting two people find the love they have temporarily lost because the pain has become larger than the joy is the secret to good therapy.
The work of counseling marriages is a sacred task. The therapist is invited
into the most vulnerable places of a couples intimate relationship. The counselor is
the mediator for the marriage. The marriage is the client and the husband and the wife are seen as the two individual parts of the whole. Good marriage counseling honors the relationship, and helps both parties return to the joy and the love that was present when they started their commitment.
So what is the secret for finding a good marriage therapist? Get referrals from friends or professionals, and then talk to the therapist ahead of scheduling an appointment and ask them their philosophy and how they practice their trade. Try the therapist once, and if it doesn’t feel right or an emotionally safe place for you and your partner, immediately look for another therapist. If you are not certain the therapist you are seeing is right for you, they probably aren’t. Not every therapist is appropriate for everyone. Marriage counseling is a highly personal experience and if you do not feel honored, heard and that you can trust the therapist, find one who will serve your needs. Finding the right therapist is your responsibility; don’t expect the therapist to tell you they are not appropriate for you.
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