Why Does the State grant Marriage Licenses without any evidence of proficiency?
Before you are granted a driving license, you are required to prove to the state issuing the license that you know how to drive. This is good common sense as a car can be a destructive machine when not operated correctly. If you do not know what you are doing, you can hurt yourself and others.
Does anyone doubt marriage can be destructive to human beings, families and society when they fail? To assume proficiency before granting a marriage license is to take a huge chance on the lives of many people, especially the children that are born into such a disastrous contract.
What is the purpose of a marriage license? Is it a mere formality? Is it a romantic fantasy permitted by the State without requirements just so they can raise revenue by charging a fee? Historically, marriage is the legal mechanism that permits property to be properly distributed upon death? The license assumes certain inherent rights and codified rules that shall be followed. A license to marry is granted by the State to the individuals wishing to marry, and it formalizes financial agreements that the State has codified.
I believe in most States, there are only two requirements before a license to marry is granted. One is that both parties are of the legal age for marriage. The other guarantee is that there be only one partner permitted at a time. Polygamy is not permitted in this country, although multiple marriages are permitted as long as a divorce occurs in between those marriages.
Is this really enough to grant a license? After all, a license grants certain rights. If you don’t like the rules of the license, you should not get married.
Why do we permit a condition to exist where the majority of marriages end in divorce in this country? The answer is complex, but divorce began in earnest after the State changed the rules about requiring fraud be proved before a divorce would be granted. This change was necessary because divorce degrees became very odious and a public scandal where human inadequacies were testified to in a court of law and made public to all. So now we have a condition called “no fault” divorce, which allows a divorce to be granted when one person wants the marriage to end.
But what about the children of failed marriages? Are they not casualties we need to consider before we so casually grant licenses to people who wish to be married? Why should licenses be necessary to demonstrate proficiency in handling an automobile, but not the potentially far more hazardous matter of marriage? Surely there should be more to it than just a revenue-collecting device. And if that is the main reason States grant a license to marry, it is a very cynical view of a marriage.
As a licensed Marriage and family Therapist who deals exclusively with marital and family issues, I would propose society establish more evidence of proficiency before granting a license to marry. I would like to see mandatory premarital counseling and educational course about marriage and family given by either the Church or the psychotherapy profession. I know many ministers and pastors who will not perform marriages without such thoughtful preparation. They take their role as minister seriously, and as with other sacraments of the church, require thoughtful study before solemnizing a marriage in their churches.
I believe this is responsible action on behalf of the Church. But it is not the church that grants the license. It is the State. You don’t need a church to marry you. So surely it is the State that is ultimately responsible to make sure a potential couple are competent. If we as a society are ever going to take seriously the downward spiral of family life in this country, we must eventually require educational evidence that two people are ready to receive a license to marry before the license is granted.
Is marriage a serious institution or is it the playground of the romantics? When Britney Spears got married in Las Vegas several years ago and divorced the following day, it made a mockery of the entire institution of marriage. Such weddings, entered into impulsively in a moment of fun, should no more be allowed than giving children a license to drive ‘just for fun’.
Eventually the States are going to have to hold the granting of marriage licenses more seriously than they currently do. This will happen when we as a society become disgusted with the current state of divorces and the human catastrophe that results. Surely some educational requirements before the license is granted would go a long way towards putting this right.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Should Your Marriage Be Saved?
One of the most troubling questions I encounter during the first session of therapy with couples is "Should we work on our marriage or should we end it?"
My answer is always the same. "I assume if you have taken the time to call me and discuss this question with a marriage therapist then their answer is 'yes.' Otherwise, you would be seeing a divorce lawyer."
Never go to a marriage therapist and expect them to answer this question any other way. To do otherwise, is like going to a doctor and asking whether or not you should live, or give up and die. A doctor is in the business of saving lives. It's the same with a marriage therapist who assists couples in repairing marriages. I never presume a couple wants to end their commitment, and let their marriage die.
Divorce is often a lack of imagination about how to live in a committed relationship. The real feeling that exists behind a couples' statement that they wish to end their marriage often is, “We are exhausted by trying the same old patterns and encountering the same failure. Can you give us any ideas how we can be different in this relationship?”
Now that is an excellent place to begin. So lets explore the possibilities.
After thirty years of doing marriage counseling, I have found that, in most cases, within thirty minutes of listening to a couple, I can see what needs to change in a marriage. Of course, most couples are not ready to hear what I can see after listening to them for just thirty minutes.
They first want to complain, release their anger, and express their frustration. Then, perhaps, they're ready to hear what is needed to repair the damage.
Marriage counseling is not rocket science. It involves a basic comprehension of couple dynamics and the skills to help the couple see what it is they need to do differently in order to heal their marriage.
Although marriage counseling may not be a complicated process, I would say that marriage is the most complicated human relationship I know of. It is more complex than parent / child, employee / employer, or any other family relationship. Why is this so?
It's complicated because, in order for it to work, the modern institution of marriage must be an equal relationship. In the work place, democracy doesn’t rule. The boss is in charge. In the parent child relationship, the parents are in charge, or they should be. As many parents have found out the hard way, setting boundaries for one's children is the only parenting style that enables children to feel secure enough to become responsible, self-confident adults.
But in marriage, the two partners need an equal relationship. If your relationship is not equal, it will breed a power struggle. When one spouse holds more power than the other, eventually that relationship must come unglued. The reason is simple. An imbalance in the distribution of power will create disrespect and passive aggressive behavior. The more powerful spouse will disrespect the weaker one, and the weaker one will express their hostile feelings in a passive-aggressive manner.
This imbalance of power is at the heart of most marital problems. It affects the self-esteem of both individuals in the relationship and results in the one who is weaker sabotaging the one who is more powerful.
Many marriages of this kind are held together by the negative use of power. For example, traditionally men have the power over money, while women have the power over sex. As a result, in marital therapy, sex and money are the two most disputed issues. But, most declared problems are not the real problem. The real issues lie under the surface and have never been deeply examined. The couple must look beyond their money and sex issues to see the underlying power struggle that has created their dsyfunctionality. Until they see this deeper dynamic, they will go around in circles fighting and struggling, complaining and hurting each other, but never really knowing what is at the route of their problems.
In my experience, most couples blind themselves to their real issues, preferring to instead fight about issues that are merely symptoms of these underlying issues. Until the real issues are addressed, the couple will never heal.
Enter the competent marriage therapist. He should see the underlying dynamic of a marriage and have the experience to guide the couple to heal their original wounds.
Not getting to the bottom of the real issues is like the story of the princess and the pea under the mattress. No matter how many mattresses she placed on top of the original mattress, until the pea is found and removed, will she not be able to sleep. Good marriage therapy finds the pea under the mattresses, and teaches the couple how to remove the disruptions that are causing their strife.
My answer is always the same. "I assume if you have taken the time to call me and discuss this question with a marriage therapist then their answer is 'yes.' Otherwise, you would be seeing a divorce lawyer."
Never go to a marriage therapist and expect them to answer this question any other way. To do otherwise, is like going to a doctor and asking whether or not you should live, or give up and die. A doctor is in the business of saving lives. It's the same with a marriage therapist who assists couples in repairing marriages. I never presume a couple wants to end their commitment, and let their marriage die.
Divorce is often a lack of imagination about how to live in a committed relationship. The real feeling that exists behind a couples' statement that they wish to end their marriage often is, “We are exhausted by trying the same old patterns and encountering the same failure. Can you give us any ideas how we can be different in this relationship?”
Now that is an excellent place to begin. So lets explore the possibilities.
After thirty years of doing marriage counseling, I have found that, in most cases, within thirty minutes of listening to a couple, I can see what needs to change in a marriage. Of course, most couples are not ready to hear what I can see after listening to them for just thirty minutes.
They first want to complain, release their anger, and express their frustration. Then, perhaps, they're ready to hear what is needed to repair the damage.
Marriage counseling is not rocket science. It involves a basic comprehension of couple dynamics and the skills to help the couple see what it is they need to do differently in order to heal their marriage.
Although marriage counseling may not be a complicated process, I would say that marriage is the most complicated human relationship I know of. It is more complex than parent / child, employee / employer, or any other family relationship. Why is this so?
It's complicated because, in order for it to work, the modern institution of marriage must be an equal relationship. In the work place, democracy doesn’t rule. The boss is in charge. In the parent child relationship, the parents are in charge, or they should be. As many parents have found out the hard way, setting boundaries for one's children is the only parenting style that enables children to feel secure enough to become responsible, self-confident adults.
But in marriage, the two partners need an equal relationship. If your relationship is not equal, it will breed a power struggle. When one spouse holds more power than the other, eventually that relationship must come unglued. The reason is simple. An imbalance in the distribution of power will create disrespect and passive aggressive behavior. The more powerful spouse will disrespect the weaker one, and the weaker one will express their hostile feelings in a passive-aggressive manner.
This imbalance of power is at the heart of most marital problems. It affects the self-esteem of both individuals in the relationship and results in the one who is weaker sabotaging the one who is more powerful.
Many marriages of this kind are held together by the negative use of power. For example, traditionally men have the power over money, while women have the power over sex. As a result, in marital therapy, sex and money are the two most disputed issues. But, most declared problems are not the real problem. The real issues lie under the surface and have never been deeply examined. The couple must look beyond their money and sex issues to see the underlying power struggle that has created their dsyfunctionality. Until they see this deeper dynamic, they will go around in circles fighting and struggling, complaining and hurting each other, but never really knowing what is at the route of their problems.
In my experience, most couples blind themselves to their real issues, preferring to instead fight about issues that are merely symptoms of these underlying issues. Until the real issues are addressed, the couple will never heal.
Enter the competent marriage therapist. He should see the underlying dynamic of a marriage and have the experience to guide the couple to heal their original wounds.
Not getting to the bottom of the real issues is like the story of the princess and the pea under the mattress. No matter how many mattresses she placed on top of the original mattress, until the pea is found and removed, will she not be able to sleep. Good marriage therapy finds the pea under the mattresses, and teaches the couple how to remove the disruptions that are causing their strife.
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Main Reason Marriages Fail
I have been a full time marriage therapist in private practice for the past 27 years. I have worked with literally thousands of marriages and observed and analyzed marriage in more detail than the vast majority of people. I have seen all sides of marriage - the good, the bad and the ugly. And if you asked me why do some marriages self-destruct here is my answer. And although there is a danger of being simplistic, I believe there is one overriding reason why marriages fail.
Put simply, it is the unhappiness of one, projected upon the other. What do I mean? I am referring to the human tendency to blame others for your own inner feelings. We have a long history of blaming others for our difficulties. Our entire legal system is set up around this premise. If someone is wronged, they hire a lawyer who will fight for their rights in court to prove one right and the other wrong. Or, at least to show one ‘more’ right and the other ‘more’ wrong. Also, because we are a capitalistic economic system, the law assigns financial remuneration to the ‘victim’ and mandates that the ‘perpetrator’ financially compensate the ‘victim’ for the wrong done.
Of course lawyers who receive their income from fighting these legal battles believe this system to be the best way to make meaningful changes in our society. Lawyers are not paid if they do not win their case. So the incentive is to prove one right, and the other wrong. Lawyers might question this assessment, but I do not wish to debate this issue here, I merely wish to point out that we as a society have been programmed to believe that it is reasonable to assign one as victim and the other as perpetrator, or one as right and the other as wrong.
Once you accept this premise, it is easy to understand how inside marriage, whenever one party feels unhappy, they might assume that their partner is in some way responsible. Then, believing that all the negative feelings they have within themselves are their partner’s fault, the fighting begins. Eventually that fighting takes on a life of its own. It is fueled by our communal cultural belief system that one is right and the other is wrong, and obviously it is you who are right, and your partner is therefore wrong.
Once this process begins, the marriage is doomed to continual battles. If you believe your feelings are your partner’s responsibility, the marriage can never improve until your partner changes. Once you believe the problems you face in life are your partner’s fault, the marriage goes down the slippery slope into despair.
Is there an alternative to this system? Of course there is. But it requires you rethink the victim mentality concept. If you see yourself as a victim of your partner’s behavior, this establishes a classic power struggle that eats away the good will inside your marriage and destines the relationship to perpetual power struggles and conflict, unless your partner passively accepts all the blame for all the problems you face in your life. But once this occurs, you will lose all respect for your partner and become bored and disinterested in your relationship, and label your partner as passive aggressive. The victim / perpetrator model for human relationships guarantees the relationship will never attain the levels of human intimacy that are possible when both partners are individually strong and respectfully support each other to become the best they can be.
The solution is for everyone to take full responsibility for their own feelings, and not project their unhappiness upon their partner. Once you become aware you are internally dissatisfied, it becomes your responsibility to change yourself to fix the unhappiness. Not that you should not communicate where you feel wronged or that you cannot request your partner consider some changes if they are realistic. That is a perfectly acceptable communication, as long as it is delivered responsibly and in an adult fashion. Many couples lash out at each other when angry, just like a child might throw objects at another child when they feel overwhelmed. Marriage is for adults. Children of whatever age should avoid such a complex relationship as marriage.
To have a successful marriage both partners must accept personal responsibility for their own feelings and their own behaviors inside their marriage, and both partners must accept the consequences of their behaviors. Projecting your unhappiness onto your partner inevitably leads to fighting, perpetual struggle and eventually a massive meltdown inside your marriage.
So let me repeat after observing thousands of marriages, it is my conclusion that the most destructive quality for marriages is the childish need to hold your partner responsible for your internal unhappiness, with the resulting expectation that they need to change, so you can be fulfilled.
Put simply, it is the unhappiness of one, projected upon the other. What do I mean? I am referring to the human tendency to blame others for your own inner feelings. We have a long history of blaming others for our difficulties. Our entire legal system is set up around this premise. If someone is wronged, they hire a lawyer who will fight for their rights in court to prove one right and the other wrong. Or, at least to show one ‘more’ right and the other ‘more’ wrong. Also, because we are a capitalistic economic system, the law assigns financial remuneration to the ‘victim’ and mandates that the ‘perpetrator’ financially compensate the ‘victim’ for the wrong done.
Of course lawyers who receive their income from fighting these legal battles believe this system to be the best way to make meaningful changes in our society. Lawyers are not paid if they do not win their case. So the incentive is to prove one right, and the other wrong. Lawyers might question this assessment, but I do not wish to debate this issue here, I merely wish to point out that we as a society have been programmed to believe that it is reasonable to assign one as victim and the other as perpetrator, or one as right and the other as wrong.
Once you accept this premise, it is easy to understand how inside marriage, whenever one party feels unhappy, they might assume that their partner is in some way responsible. Then, believing that all the negative feelings they have within themselves are their partner’s fault, the fighting begins. Eventually that fighting takes on a life of its own. It is fueled by our communal cultural belief system that one is right and the other is wrong, and obviously it is you who are right, and your partner is therefore wrong.
Once this process begins, the marriage is doomed to continual battles. If you believe your feelings are your partner’s responsibility, the marriage can never improve until your partner changes. Once you believe the problems you face in life are your partner’s fault, the marriage goes down the slippery slope into despair.
Is there an alternative to this system? Of course there is. But it requires you rethink the victim mentality concept. If you see yourself as a victim of your partner’s behavior, this establishes a classic power struggle that eats away the good will inside your marriage and destines the relationship to perpetual power struggles and conflict, unless your partner passively accepts all the blame for all the problems you face in your life. But once this occurs, you will lose all respect for your partner and become bored and disinterested in your relationship, and label your partner as passive aggressive. The victim / perpetrator model for human relationships guarantees the relationship will never attain the levels of human intimacy that are possible when both partners are individually strong and respectfully support each other to become the best they can be.
The solution is for everyone to take full responsibility for their own feelings, and not project their unhappiness upon their partner. Once you become aware you are internally dissatisfied, it becomes your responsibility to change yourself to fix the unhappiness. Not that you should not communicate where you feel wronged or that you cannot request your partner consider some changes if they are realistic. That is a perfectly acceptable communication, as long as it is delivered responsibly and in an adult fashion. Many couples lash out at each other when angry, just like a child might throw objects at another child when they feel overwhelmed. Marriage is for adults. Children of whatever age should avoid such a complex relationship as marriage.
To have a successful marriage both partners must accept personal responsibility for their own feelings and their own behaviors inside their marriage, and both partners must accept the consequences of their behaviors. Projecting your unhappiness onto your partner inevitably leads to fighting, perpetual struggle and eventually a massive meltdown inside your marriage.
So let me repeat after observing thousands of marriages, it is my conclusion that the most destructive quality for marriages is the childish need to hold your partner responsible for your internal unhappiness, with the resulting expectation that they need to change, so you can be fulfilled.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Life in the rear view mirror.
"And if life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car.
And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are"
Meatloaf.
Object in the rear view mirror always appear closer than they are. It is an optical illusion. It not only is an illusion when looking in a rear view mirror, it is as Meatloaf suggests, an illusion relevant to human life and our personal history. The incidents of the past appear closer than they are when you feel distressed and horrified by your personal history.
What are the issues associated with looking in the rear view mirror of life? Life must be directed by looking backwards to get some idea how we should operate in the present and future. Life is guided forwards, by looking backwards. But looking back has dangers that need to be understood and we need to remember that the perception of the past distorts the reality of the present, just as objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are.
As a psychotherapist with 26 years of hands on experience, I know you must look in the rear view mirror of life to heal. It is absolutely true that some digging into the past is essential for emotional healing. The issue is how much digging, and how much exploration is essential. And once begun, how do you stop the endless obsessing over the past having uncovered the secrets.
Woody Allen has made a career out of digging into his past. He has found the funny side of his neurosis and used it to make movies that are witty and entertaining. But how much of his behavior is valuable for the rest of us who have no need to make funny movies about neurotic people?
Why look backwards, and how far backwards do you need to look? Unless you have learnt from the past, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes. That is the human way. Unconscious behavior repeats itself over and over again, until we have integrated the lessons of the past and we no longer need to repeat them. This is the case for looking in the rear view mirror of life.
But having learnt from the past, when do we cease looking backwards? When do objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are? I suspect once you have become obsessed with the past you have gone too far. If the objective is emotional healing, and the behavior of searching through the past has become obsessional, then I would assume looking backwards has gone way too far.
In reality there is no past or future, there is only the present. Now is the present. The past is gone, and the future is undefined. There is nothing about the future that is real in the present. Yet we can become obsessed with the future and the past and miss the present moment. This is the great truth offered by Eastern religion. Western religion focuses upon the future (heaven and hell), while eastern philosophy teaches the value of living in the present moment, the “now”.
The concepts may be hard to grasp, but the consequences are large. All fear is a reaction to the past or the future. In present time nothing exists that needs to be feared. Yet we all live with fears. And all fears come from looking in the rear view mirror, where objects appear closer than they are. Fear is a clear distortion of reality, and it can only be healed by living in the present moment, which means giving up looking in the rear view mirror.
The important message to gain from this discussion is that while the past and the future may be intriguing, they are largely irrelevant. Present time is the only moment that exists and once you have gained that wisdom, you are capable of producing happiness for yourself. Without this understanding you are looking at life through the distortion of the rear view mirror. And you are driving your car forward while being distracted by the past.
And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are"
Meatloaf.
Object in the rear view mirror always appear closer than they are. It is an optical illusion. It not only is an illusion when looking in a rear view mirror, it is as Meatloaf suggests, an illusion relevant to human life and our personal history. The incidents of the past appear closer than they are when you feel distressed and horrified by your personal history.
What are the issues associated with looking in the rear view mirror of life? Life must be directed by looking backwards to get some idea how we should operate in the present and future. Life is guided forwards, by looking backwards. But looking back has dangers that need to be understood and we need to remember that the perception of the past distorts the reality of the present, just as objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are.
As a psychotherapist with 26 years of hands on experience, I know you must look in the rear view mirror of life to heal. It is absolutely true that some digging into the past is essential for emotional healing. The issue is how much digging, and how much exploration is essential. And once begun, how do you stop the endless obsessing over the past having uncovered the secrets.
Woody Allen has made a career out of digging into his past. He has found the funny side of his neurosis and used it to make movies that are witty and entertaining. But how much of his behavior is valuable for the rest of us who have no need to make funny movies about neurotic people?
Why look backwards, and how far backwards do you need to look? Unless you have learnt from the past, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes. That is the human way. Unconscious behavior repeats itself over and over again, until we have integrated the lessons of the past and we no longer need to repeat them. This is the case for looking in the rear view mirror of life.
But having learnt from the past, when do we cease looking backwards? When do objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are? I suspect once you have become obsessed with the past you have gone too far. If the objective is emotional healing, and the behavior of searching through the past has become obsessional, then I would assume looking backwards has gone way too far.
In reality there is no past or future, there is only the present. Now is the present. The past is gone, and the future is undefined. There is nothing about the future that is real in the present. Yet we can become obsessed with the future and the past and miss the present moment. This is the great truth offered by Eastern religion. Western religion focuses upon the future (heaven and hell), while eastern philosophy teaches the value of living in the present moment, the “now”.
The concepts may be hard to grasp, but the consequences are large. All fear is a reaction to the past or the future. In present time nothing exists that needs to be feared. Yet we all live with fears. And all fears come from looking in the rear view mirror, where objects appear closer than they are. Fear is a clear distortion of reality, and it can only be healed by living in the present moment, which means giving up looking in the rear view mirror.
The important message to gain from this discussion is that while the past and the future may be intriguing, they are largely irrelevant. Present time is the only moment that exists and once you have gained that wisdom, you are capable of producing happiness for yourself. Without this understanding you are looking at life through the distortion of the rear view mirror. And you are driving your car forward while being distracted by the past.
“Even As Love Crowns You So Shall He Crucify You”
One of the most beautiful books of poetry ever written is ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran. Gibran is perhaps the greatest Sufi poet along with Rumi. Sufi’s are the mystical branch of the Muslim religion as the Kabala is the mystical branch of Judaism. In this wonderful expression of wisdom in poetry, the Prophet who lives on top of the mountain sees his ship coming from afar, signifying that he is ready to die, and complete this life’s journey.
Before the prophet leaves this home by ship into death, he moves down from the top of the mountain, where he is asked a series of questions by the people of the village of Orphalese who have gathered to say goodbye. The questions they ask him are the fundamentals questions we all ask about life. The questions include what is love, marriage, children, work, giving, pleasure, death, and many other fascinating topics. The first question that he is asked is “what is love”. The Prophet proclaims his vision of love, which along with the Apostle Paul’s description in Corinthians 13, is perhaps the most beautiful description on the topic of love.
Inherent within the discourse is the point that love is our teacher, and that love gives us the opportunity to refine our human soul. The prophet says, “Love is for your growth and for your pruning.” Love will teach you many joyful, and difficult lessons. The centerpiece of the prophet’s teaching is that love shall both crown you and crucify you. Love shall instruct you and perfect you. Love shall prepare you for the next stage of the journey into eternity.
“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you…He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.”
The Prophet goes on to say, “But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”
Love is according to all ancient wisdoms, the paramount teacher. Love is both wonderful and extremely difficult. The lessons of love are priceless. Yet most of us think of love as an emotion that is sweet, easy, happy and joyous. We think of love as an emotion only, rather than a spiritual force that changes us and perfects our spirit. The Prophet teaches that this is not so. Love can and will crucify you, but in so doing the character and personal growth is well worth all the pain. Those who have chosen the spiritual path know this well. To love is to open yourself up, to become vulnerable. To love is to be open to pain, hurt, depression and sadness. But it is also to be open to joy, delight, excitement and happiness. It is far better to love and suffer from that love, than to never have loved at all. There are risks in loving, but the rewards are much greater than the suffering in the view of the Prophet.
As a Therapist I can tell you much of the work of therapy is hard and rigorous, but the rewards are beyond verbal description. To end the pain of the ego, to find the peace in solitude, to come to acceptance and to give up control, these are the priceless qualities produced within us when we enter love’s threshing floor. As a Therapist who acts as a guide for people upon their personal spiritual path, I am privileged to watch in awe as human’s wrestle with their inner demons, do battle with their ego self, resist the dark side, and reach for the impossible dream. And with love as the master, the rewards of such work are magnificent to observe. I am continually humbled as I observe the work people do in therapy to resolve their inner conflicts, to come to peace with their dark side, and to find all that love has to offer.
Love truly is the ultimate teacher.
Before the prophet leaves this home by ship into death, he moves down from the top of the mountain, where he is asked a series of questions by the people of the village of Orphalese who have gathered to say goodbye. The questions they ask him are the fundamentals questions we all ask about life. The questions include what is love, marriage, children, work, giving, pleasure, death, and many other fascinating topics. The first question that he is asked is “what is love”. The Prophet proclaims his vision of love, which along with the Apostle Paul’s description in Corinthians 13, is perhaps the most beautiful description on the topic of love.
Inherent within the discourse is the point that love is our teacher, and that love gives us the opportunity to refine our human soul. The prophet says, “Love is for your growth and for your pruning.” Love will teach you many joyful, and difficult lessons. The centerpiece of the prophet’s teaching is that love shall both crown you and crucify you. Love shall instruct you and perfect you. Love shall prepare you for the next stage of the journey into eternity.
“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you…He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.”
The Prophet goes on to say, “But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”
Love is according to all ancient wisdoms, the paramount teacher. Love is both wonderful and extremely difficult. The lessons of love are priceless. Yet most of us think of love as an emotion that is sweet, easy, happy and joyous. We think of love as an emotion only, rather than a spiritual force that changes us and perfects our spirit. The Prophet teaches that this is not so. Love can and will crucify you, but in so doing the character and personal growth is well worth all the pain. Those who have chosen the spiritual path know this well. To love is to open yourself up, to become vulnerable. To love is to be open to pain, hurt, depression and sadness. But it is also to be open to joy, delight, excitement and happiness. It is far better to love and suffer from that love, than to never have loved at all. There are risks in loving, but the rewards are much greater than the suffering in the view of the Prophet.
As a Therapist I can tell you much of the work of therapy is hard and rigorous, but the rewards are beyond verbal description. To end the pain of the ego, to find the peace in solitude, to come to acceptance and to give up control, these are the priceless qualities produced within us when we enter love’s threshing floor. As a Therapist who acts as a guide for people upon their personal spiritual path, I am privileged to watch in awe as human’s wrestle with their inner demons, do battle with their ego self, resist the dark side, and reach for the impossible dream. And with love as the master, the rewards of such work are magnificent to observe. I am continually humbled as I observe the work people do in therapy to resolve their inner conflicts, to come to peace with their dark side, and to find all that love has to offer.
Love truly is the ultimate teacher.
The Secret of Good Marriage Counseling.
The carpenter uses a hammer, the mechanic a wrench. What does the marriage
counselors use to create the magic during a marital therapy session? Marriage counseling is a relatively new profession, unless you consider religious leaders as the predecessors
of the vocation. As a profession, marriage counseling is less than sixty
years old. And it is really only in the last twenty years that it has become accepted as having real value for society.
The secret of good marriage counseling is simple. It is assumed that when a
couple experiences a breakdown in their marriage, communication is the problem. And that with clear communication, solutions can emerge. So how does the therapist
create the context so that the truth can appear?
The secret is in listening for the pain, and then looking for the love. The pain
is the confusion that has gotten in between two people who began there
relationship with optimism, but now find that it has become entangled with
emotional pain, discontent and disillusionment. The pain must be released, or forgiven, for healing to occur, and it can only be released once it is stated, expressed, and understood. When a relationship is in trouble, both of the partners are in pain. One often appears more in pain than the other, but this is really an illusion. Couples mirror each other. If the relationship is to heal, both have to get in touch with their communal emotional pain, even though one may express the pain while the other is stoic.
Listening for the love is the healing work of marriage counseling. As the
pain comes out, so will the faint whispers of love and commitment be
expressed. Listening for these faint cries is the essential work of the therapist, as the couple has probably lost sight of the caring, the commitment, and the love they felt for
each other when they began their marriage. Getting both individuals in touch with that love is what heals the hurt, and rebuilds the trust. This is the skill the marriage counselor brings to the experience.
Sometimes, but not often, marriage counseling ends in a couple divorcing. Mostly, couples find ways to carry on, working through the issues until the love is permitted to return and blossom. In my experience, most marriage counseling is successful, when success is defined as carrying forward with the commitment made at the beginning of the marriage. Most couples still promise “till death do us part” and assisting two people find the love they have temporarily lost because the pain has become larger than the joy is the secret to good therapy.
The work of counseling marriages is a sacred task. The therapist is invited
into the most vulnerable places of a couples intimate relationship. The counselor is
the mediator for the marriage. The marriage is the client and the husband and the wife are seen as the two individual parts of the whole. Good marriage counseling honors the relationship, and helps both parties return to the joy and the love that was present when they started their commitment.
So what is the secret for finding a good marriage therapist? Get referrals from friends or professionals, and then talk to the therapist ahead of scheduling an appointment and ask them their philosophy and how they practice their trade. Try the therapist once, and if it doesn’t feel right or an emotionally safe place for you and your partner, immediately look for another therapist. If you are not certain the therapist you are seeing is right for you, they probably aren’t. Not every therapist is appropriate for everyone. Marriage counseling is a highly personal experience and if you do not feel honored, heard and that you can trust the therapist, find one who will serve your needs. Finding the right therapist is your responsibility; don’t expect the therapist to tell you they are not appropriate for you.
counselors use to create the magic during a marital therapy session? Marriage counseling is a relatively new profession, unless you consider religious leaders as the predecessors
of the vocation. As a profession, marriage counseling is less than sixty
years old. And it is really only in the last twenty years that it has become accepted as having real value for society.
The secret of good marriage counseling is simple. It is assumed that when a
couple experiences a breakdown in their marriage, communication is the problem. And that with clear communication, solutions can emerge. So how does the therapist
create the context so that the truth can appear?
The secret is in listening for the pain, and then looking for the love. The pain
is the confusion that has gotten in between two people who began there
relationship with optimism, but now find that it has become entangled with
emotional pain, discontent and disillusionment. The pain must be released, or forgiven, for healing to occur, and it can only be released once it is stated, expressed, and understood. When a relationship is in trouble, both of the partners are in pain. One often appears more in pain than the other, but this is really an illusion. Couples mirror each other. If the relationship is to heal, both have to get in touch with their communal emotional pain, even though one may express the pain while the other is stoic.
Listening for the love is the healing work of marriage counseling. As the
pain comes out, so will the faint whispers of love and commitment be
expressed. Listening for these faint cries is the essential work of the therapist, as the couple has probably lost sight of the caring, the commitment, and the love they felt for
each other when they began their marriage. Getting both individuals in touch with that love is what heals the hurt, and rebuilds the trust. This is the skill the marriage counselor brings to the experience.
Sometimes, but not often, marriage counseling ends in a couple divorcing. Mostly, couples find ways to carry on, working through the issues until the love is permitted to return and blossom. In my experience, most marriage counseling is successful, when success is defined as carrying forward with the commitment made at the beginning of the marriage. Most couples still promise “till death do us part” and assisting two people find the love they have temporarily lost because the pain has become larger than the joy is the secret to good therapy.
The work of counseling marriages is a sacred task. The therapist is invited
into the most vulnerable places of a couples intimate relationship. The counselor is
the mediator for the marriage. The marriage is the client and the husband and the wife are seen as the two individual parts of the whole. Good marriage counseling honors the relationship, and helps both parties return to the joy and the love that was present when they started their commitment.
So what is the secret for finding a good marriage therapist? Get referrals from friends or professionals, and then talk to the therapist ahead of scheduling an appointment and ask them their philosophy and how they practice their trade. Try the therapist once, and if it doesn’t feel right or an emotionally safe place for you and your partner, immediately look for another therapist. If you are not certain the therapist you are seeing is right for you, they probably aren’t. Not every therapist is appropriate for everyone. Marriage counseling is a highly personal experience and if you do not feel honored, heard and that you can trust the therapist, find one who will serve your needs. Finding the right therapist is your responsibility; don’t expect the therapist to tell you they are not appropriate for you.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Before Considering Therapy
“The unexamined Life is not worth living.” Socrates
When Socrates wrote this famous statement, psychotherapy wasn’t an option. However, examining the inner workings of one’s life is perhaps the most important exploration left for man. Mankind has explored most of the earth and is beginning to explore the heavens, but very little is know about the interior workings of the human psyche. The human spirit is at least 95% unconscious and exploring the hidden dark caves of the soul is brave hard work.
Psychotherapy can certainly be taken to extremes. Woody Allen has made a profitable career joking about such excess. In one of his movies Woody complained his therapist was not being effective, and he joked he would give him another six years to see if anything would get better. However, the time of excessive psychotherapy sessions has past. Clients are now focused upon solution-oriented therapy where a problem is presented and a solution is sort. Such therapy is typically called brief therapy, meaning that it lasts from five to twenty sessions over a six to twelve month time period.
Therapy is a place to explore your feelings and the circumstances of your life. In this exploration, the therapist is not an expert who knows what you should do with your life, rather the therapist offer a safe and confidential place for you to go to discover how you feel and what you can do about these feelings, and the current conditions in your life.
The most important qualities you need to look for in choosing a therapist is the openness and freedom you feel in talking with that therapist. If you feel restrained or uneasy, they are the wrong therapist for you. Perhaps you are not ready to do this work with any therapist, and that merely means the time is not right for you to explore your unconscious mind. There will be times when you will not like what you are examining about your life, and at these times a good therapist may support you by holding your focus to the matters at hand. Growth is uncomfortable, and it is easy to get upset with the therapist because you are looking at issues about your own life you do not like to examine. In such cases it might be tempting to hold the therapist responsible for your life, but if they are competent, they will not accept that responsibility nor demand you continue to examine what you are not capable of exploring.
Psychotherapy is a service that costs money. For some reason, some people resent this aspect of therapy. Perhaps it is because the therapist is viewed as a substitute parent, and our society expects parents to provide everything without any cost to the child. Or perhaps it is because therapists are viewed as society views the clergy. We expect spiritual guidance within a church to be free of charge. Whatever the issues people have with money and therapy, the solution is to know exactly what your sessions will cost before you begin therapy. Once you have booked a therapy session that time has been sold to you and you will be responsible to pay if you miss your session or don’t give 24-hour notice of a change. The therapist is a trained professional who is making the equivalent amount that plumbers or electricians make. Therapists are required to have 6 to 10 years of education beyond high school, and another 3 to 5 years in training before they are licensed to practice. Family lawyers typically charge $350 to $450 per hour to assist their clients end their marriage, while marriage therapists typical charge $100 to $250 per hour and they assist you to save your marriage.
May I finally speak to the issue of using your friends for marital therapy rather than a trained professional who is bound by law to keep confidential everything you share in therapy? Nothing poisons the well of marriage more than the need to tell all your friends about the distress in your marriage. Whenever you see these people, they shall always begin the conversation with,” how is your marriage”? This will become the main topic of conversation every time you get together. It will become a tar baby you cannot release yourself from. You then become reduced to a reality TV show for the amusement and entertainment of others. And, they probably shall tell all their friends about your broken marriage. Better to pay a professional who is trained to keep confidential what should be held sacred and private.
When Socrates wrote this famous statement, psychotherapy wasn’t an option. However, examining the inner workings of one’s life is perhaps the most important exploration left for man. Mankind has explored most of the earth and is beginning to explore the heavens, but very little is know about the interior workings of the human psyche. The human spirit is at least 95% unconscious and exploring the hidden dark caves of the soul is brave hard work.
Psychotherapy can certainly be taken to extremes. Woody Allen has made a profitable career joking about such excess. In one of his movies Woody complained his therapist was not being effective, and he joked he would give him another six years to see if anything would get better. However, the time of excessive psychotherapy sessions has past. Clients are now focused upon solution-oriented therapy where a problem is presented and a solution is sort. Such therapy is typically called brief therapy, meaning that it lasts from five to twenty sessions over a six to twelve month time period.
Therapy is a place to explore your feelings and the circumstances of your life. In this exploration, the therapist is not an expert who knows what you should do with your life, rather the therapist offer a safe and confidential place for you to go to discover how you feel and what you can do about these feelings, and the current conditions in your life.
The most important qualities you need to look for in choosing a therapist is the openness and freedom you feel in talking with that therapist. If you feel restrained or uneasy, they are the wrong therapist for you. Perhaps you are not ready to do this work with any therapist, and that merely means the time is not right for you to explore your unconscious mind. There will be times when you will not like what you are examining about your life, and at these times a good therapist may support you by holding your focus to the matters at hand. Growth is uncomfortable, and it is easy to get upset with the therapist because you are looking at issues about your own life you do not like to examine. In such cases it might be tempting to hold the therapist responsible for your life, but if they are competent, they will not accept that responsibility nor demand you continue to examine what you are not capable of exploring.
Psychotherapy is a service that costs money. For some reason, some people resent this aspect of therapy. Perhaps it is because the therapist is viewed as a substitute parent, and our society expects parents to provide everything without any cost to the child. Or perhaps it is because therapists are viewed as society views the clergy. We expect spiritual guidance within a church to be free of charge. Whatever the issues people have with money and therapy, the solution is to know exactly what your sessions will cost before you begin therapy. Once you have booked a therapy session that time has been sold to you and you will be responsible to pay if you miss your session or don’t give 24-hour notice of a change. The therapist is a trained professional who is making the equivalent amount that plumbers or electricians make. Therapists are required to have 6 to 10 years of education beyond high school, and another 3 to 5 years in training before they are licensed to practice. Family lawyers typically charge $350 to $450 per hour to assist their clients end their marriage, while marriage therapists typical charge $100 to $250 per hour and they assist you to save your marriage.
May I finally speak to the issue of using your friends for marital therapy rather than a trained professional who is bound by law to keep confidential everything you share in therapy? Nothing poisons the well of marriage more than the need to tell all your friends about the distress in your marriage. Whenever you see these people, they shall always begin the conversation with,” how is your marriage”? This will become the main topic of conversation every time you get together. It will become a tar baby you cannot release yourself from. You then become reduced to a reality TV show for the amusement and entertainment of others. And, they probably shall tell all their friends about your broken marriage. Better to pay a professional who is trained to keep confidential what should be held sacred and private.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
