Saturday, February 24, 2007

6 Infuriating Truths about Marriage Counseling that Drive Couples Crazy

“The Six Infuriating Truths About Marriage Counseling That Drive Couples Crazy”

I have practiced the art of marriage counseling for thirty years. During that time I have observed that several basic concepts that come up during marriage counseling seem to be difficult for many couples. The commonality of these issues makes them worth examining as they can be places of friction many marriages experience.

I do not believe in a trouble free marriage or partnership. Just as a beautiful garden is tended to by a diligent gardener, so a good marriage has unseen labor that produces the outcome we observe in good, easy relationships. The hallmark of a good relationship is the presence of trust, harmony, respect, good communication and of course love.

I have designated these six areas as “infuriating truths” not because I believe them to be truths, but rather because I see couples being irritated by the same issues, and so not knowing what else to call them, I have called them “truths”. Perhaps “concepts” is closer to the mark?

So here are the six issues.


1. The truth in a relationship has two viewpoints. Therapists are not “relationship police” who judge who is right and who is wrong. There is just your truth and your partner’s truth, and together the communal reality is an agreed-upon consensus. Finding a compromise that works for both is the process of achieving harmony and peace within your relationship. Demanding your partner accept your perception as “the truth” produces a power struggle.

2. Your greatest strengths and those of your partner are also your greatest weaknesses. We first fall in love with what we experience as the strengths in our partner, and then we experience the shadow side of these same qualities. For example, strong-willed people are first viewed as clear-minded and determined, but eventually this strength reveals its dark side as our awareness grows. The strength is then seen as stubbornness and inflexibility. Every coin has two sides. In truth we need both sides, for only with contrast can anything exist. Good is good because bad is bad. Beauty is beauty because ugly is ugly. Paradox demands tension between opposites. Handling the paradox is the key to contentment. Managing the tension determines a good relationship.

3. You are rarely angry about what you think you are angry about. Beneath the anger, hidden from your consciousness, is the feeling that must be dealt with. It is necessary to look under the anger to find the unseen feeling you need to resolve. Anger is more often fear or sadness, insecurity or despair. Expressing anger for most men is socially safe because our culture views anger as strong, while sadness is seen as insipid and weak. Getting in touch with your anger is far more important than expressing it. Once you understand why you are angry, you can handle the real issue and not strike out at the nearest target.

4. Emotions generally affect decision-making more than logic does. To handle conflicts you must first understand the emotions, then attempt to add “reasonable” to the equation. Most of us drift between emotion and reason and get confused in the process. Finding harmony within a relationship requires that you deal first with the emotions and then explore reasonable accommodation for the partnership. We need rules for fair fighting. We need boundaries around discussion. If you cannot provide yourself this safety, you will need an outside mediator to facilitate your discussions that generate deep emotional responses.

5. Jealousy is never proof of love. Jealousy is evidence of personal insecurity, and most couples avoid other relationships that trigger jealousy, thus submitting to insecurity. Love contains freedom and trust; jealousy is about control and ownership. Many people who experience jealousy want their partner to feel the same feeling believing that the jealousy proves love and desire, when in truth it is insecurity and a lack of trust. There are always two reasons trust does not exist. The evidence shows trust is inadvisable, or the one not trusting has lost their ability to trust anyone due to excessive pain from past traumas.

6. The purpose of marital therapy is not to change your partner. Rather, it is about accepting that which cannot be changed, and finding new ways that have more flexibility for the couple than the previous systems. Surrendering to who we are is the royal road to harmony. Harmony has greater value than being right or winning the argument. Competition may be good for capitalism, but it is destructive to a loving relationship.

1 comment:

dimon said...

Marriage counseling is only effective if both partners are willing to listen, learn and change. You may seek counseling to help with any one of many issues that can arise in a long term relationship. It is possible that you need help working through infidelity, divorce, family issues, and differences in lifestyle or finances etc... Perhaps the most important tool that marriage counseling can provide is the ability to talk about these issues freely and openly without the threat of a negative reaction. This helpful marriage counseling can provide you a safe and confidential environment to strengthen your relationship. In marriage counseling, you will learn how to avoid blaming one another and to rediscover what it was that brought you together as a couple in first places. You will explore new way to communicate and to make your needs known to each other in a positive way that helps strengthen your marriage relationship. Find more information about the helpful marriage counseling of this site.

http://www.marriage-counselors.net/