Wednesday, March 04, 2009

The Day I Fell Out of the Sky




THE DAY I FELL OUT OF THE SKY.

Or

The Near Death Experience of Worldwide Capitalism and what we all can learn from this financial crisis.

In 1993 I learnt how to fly off the cliff’s at Fort Funston, San Francisco with a paraglider. A parachute with a built in harness that one sits in while riding the wind along the Pacific Oceans cliffs. What a thrill. To fly like a bird. To become totally one with the experience. This was what the Buddhists call living in the present moment. The excitement was so intense; there is no time to think of anything but what I was doing right NOW.
I had skied for many years at Lake Tahoe. Beginning in 1969 at Mt. Rose, I learnt on the bunny slopes. Eventually I advanced to the black diamond areas. But as with most experiences, after many years of skiing, I grew bored and decided to find a replacement that would take me to new dimensions, new heights, with new thrills.
Paragliding is flying without wings. You ride the wind along the cliffs turning the paraglider with hand held straps. Soaring like a bird, I felt I was in heaven. And in a sense I was. Until, on Memorial Day 1993 I hit turbulence and my paraglider stalled, and I fell out of the sky.
I was seventy feet up in the air, and the wind blew my parachute back off the cliffs into the place where there is not wind. A place of no wind is hard to conceive. Wind, like water has a predictable path. You can see water as it moves downhill. You cannot see the wind as it follows its predictable flow like water finding the path of least resistance.
Back twenty feet from the cliffs I entered the dangerous calm. As soon as I entered this space my paraglider collapsed as the air that kept me aloft left the paraglider. I instantly fell 70 feet onto my back landing in a bed of ice plant. I recall the turbulence before the fall. I do not recall the fall. The next moment I was lying on the ground falling to earth doing spinal cord injury to my body as the disc between C-6 and C-7 exploded onto my spinal cord when I broke my neck.
I recall my first thought well. “I never anticipated this in my life time. This is something very new for me. What is this about?” I could not move. I was paralyzed. Immediate other paragliders were by my side keeping me still. Someone called 911 and in minutes the ambulance was there to take me to Seton Hospital in South San Francisco.
It was six months before I learnt how to walk again. Kaiser Hospital in Vallejo, California has a state of the art facility for spinal cord injury patients. In Vallejo, I began life all over again. Learning first how to sit upright without fainting, then how to use a wheel chair, and then slowly learning how to walk again. Finally after 6 months I learnt how to live in harmony with my life altering injury and the continual pain associated with incomplete quadriplegia.
I learnt many lessons from this experience but without a doubt the most important lesson was that when confronted with a life altering experience, self pity is self defeating. Somehow I instantly knew that if I climbed down into the self pity pit, no one could come and get me out. Self pity is a deep dark hole in life that only you can extricate yourself from. Not only that, but self pity gets old and boring to you and your friends and family. If you sing the song of poor me for too long, you will end up friendless. Besides, you cease learning what is always present within life’s major lessons when stuck in self pity.
Years later I came to learn that the word Nirvana means “place of no wind”. What I now know is that with this accident I visited Nirvana, the place of no wind. In that magical place of no wind (Nirvana), the paraglider collapsed, and I came crashing down to earth in my fall from the sky.
Like all survivors of near death experiences, the catastrophe was also my greatest blessing. I learnt lessons I could not have leant any other way. I know this because until I broke my neck and produced spinal cord injury, my thinking was very different. This was life altering. This was a life lesson given to me in seconds that enabled me to change my entire view of life. Even my mother acknowledges that this experience changed my personality. Instantly, life long issues vanished. I began anew.
Every crisis has within it an enormous opportunity. The economic disaster the entire capitalistic world is currently going through is a near death experience of capitalism. This is our once in a life time event. It is being compared to the great depression. Maybe it shall be worse, maybe it shall be as bad, but either way, experts tell us this is our 1930 experience happening to us in 2008.
Now we collectively will change. For many it feels like the end of economic prosperity. For many it is joblessness and then possible homelessness. Everyone is affected. No one is immune or safe. For the optimist, it is however an opportunity to change our lives and live in harmony with the new economic situation that has been delivered to the entire capitalistic planet. This is our once in a life time experience to change. Like all catastrophes, this is too rich an experience to allow ourselves the feelings of self pity. Now we will all learn what we are supposed to learn from this financial crisis. We shall all be different when this is complete, just as the generation that went through the great depression was permanently affected by that great event.
We do not yet know what is really happening. No one knows. No economist, no prophet, no magician, no politician, no President. We are all flying solo, and we are in the midst of a major event that will support us all to become different than we have been before.
This is our collective Nirvana. This is our visitation of the place with no wind. This is our once in a life time chance to change. This is our collective fall from the sky. And when it has passed, we shall all know why this has happened and we shall all be different than we were before this occurred. 2008 was the beginning of our collective near death experience.







Saturday, January 31, 2009

Divorce ends a marriage; it never end a Family

Death ends a life; it does not end a relationship. Divorce ends a marriage; it does not end a family. Upon death the relationship continues to live inside the living. Upon divorce, the family lives on while the parents separate from their children.
No family escapes the pain and damage of a divorce. I teach a workshop that teaches how that damage can be limited.All divorce creates trauma for children, just as all war creates PTS (Post Traumatic Stress) for all who fight in battle. Your children are wounded by your divorce.
How deep the wound is depends upon how the divorce is handled.This workshop teaches the skills needed to limit the damage from a divorce. There will be damage, but the extent of the damage can be modified with thoughtful guidance and learnt skills. This workshop is about teaching those specific skills.The end result is to hold the family unit as a team as much as possible while the marriage ends.
Divorce ends a marriage, it never ends a family. Whether the family is severely damaged or the damage is limited is the responsibility of the two parents. This workshop teaches the key principles that limit the damage from a divorce.
E-mail me or call at 650-726-1212 for the next available workshop on this topic.

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Power of Belief

The Power of Belief Henry Ford said: "believe you can, believe you can't, either way your right."We are living in challenging times and no one has to explain that to us. What we may not know is that our viewpoint of the times will determine whether we are successful or whether or not we shall fail.In 1993 I was paragliding and fell 70 feet on my back and broke my neck. I was instantly paralyzed. I recall my first thought. "I never dreamed this would happen to me". I became instantly engaged in a process that would require 6 months hospitalization and a physical therapy 8-hour day as I learnt how to walk again. My neck was broken at C6 and I had done permanent spinal cord injury. My future was very unknown to everyone but me.From deep within me I found the entire experience positive. I never dreamed I would not recover. I never pictured myself in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. I just knew I had to give my all to my recovery, and in so doing I recovered much of my mobility.I have told many people since "The best thing that ever happened to me is that I broke my neck". I constantly get the response that is a strange way to view your accident. Then i say, "OK, the worst thing that ever happened to me is that I broke my neck. Which way would you look at the experience given I had broken my neck?"The power of belief is well documented. The mind can return from all types of adversity. People are incredibly powerful if they give themselves the willingness to achieve success in the face of difficult odds.As a community of people, we are all trying to make our way through these tough times, and it is easy to just let down and give up. But in so doing we shall achieve nothing. Better to fight back. Better to hold onto the power of positive thinking.During my 6 months in hospital many incidents helped me in my recovery. But undoubtedly the strongest gift was the power of friendship and the strength in people supporting people. That got me through the hardest times, and the bleakest nights.Community is power. If we support each other, we can make it to the end goal, whatever we decide that is for us. But it requires people supporting people. It requires community.Obama is the President elect because he understands community organization. He could have taken any job upon graduation but chose to go to Chicago and make $13,000 per year as a community organizer. He was ridiculed by some for having such small capabilities, but the truth is the last laugh is upon his critics, because he community organized himself right into the White House. And now, he intends to community organize the USA into a full economic recovery.I have no doubt he will succeed. It is not him, it is us. He constantly says so. And he is right. But he does provide the right backdrop for "US" to make it. He is the right leader for the right time.I encourage all of us to community organize ourselves into a successful venture. I encourage all of us to view life positively rather than hopelessly.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Creating a Long Term Successful relationship

Creating a Successful Long Term Relationship

The average marriage lasts 6.8 years. Makes you wonder about the “seven year itch” Marilyn Monroe spoke of. Historically most couples stayed together for financial reasons. Today, financial support will not hold relationships together. Emotional support is required for a lasting and successful marriage.

What is emotional support? It is the love bond that exists between two who want to join their separateness into one. It is the ability to communicate feelings. It is the quality of friendship that must exist in a marriage if it is to survive the challenges of stressful life.

When a relationship begins to turn sour, inevitably most people blame their partner. Being right and making the other wrong holds more value than love, peace and harmony. The ego reins, and love begins to die. Mature individuals resist the temptation to blame and make the other evil. Watching grown adults fight like children in kindergarten may be understandable, but it doesn’t create soul. Mature and loving people face their inevitable challenges with dignity and grace and resist the temptation to throw insults at each other like children in a sandbox.

What to do when your relationship is faced with challenge. First and foremost, accept the reality that a wonderful relationship isn’t just destined, it is also hard work. To believe that relationship is effortless is to believe in magical thinking. Children use magical thinking as fantasy to avoid responsibility and work. Grown adults too often revert to such childish behavior when they give up when the going gets tough. No relationship is always easy. Just as a beautiful rose garden is created by a dedicated gardener, so a beautiful relationship is weeded, watered, and fertilized by the couple who treasure what they have. It may be tempting to see a beautiful cultivated area and magically believe it “just happened” but I can promise you, some dedicated gardener has spent countless hours caring for the elegance that you are beholding.

Beyond accepting that all wonderful relationships require work and effort, it is also important to engage each other using your differences as strength, not weakness. Too often, people see differences as difficult, rather than understanding that difference is healthy. If we were all the same, we would never grow. It is in our differences that we are challenged and created. Sameness is boredom and death. Difference is aliveness and creation.
Finally, a successful long term relationship understands the value of patience. Good things happen to those who wait. It is in the waiting that growth occurs and love deepens. Impatience is short sighted. Patience is at the heart of longevity.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Turning Off The Worry Machine

Turning Off The Worry Machine
The secret to loving and living well is not to allow worry to control your thinking. In other words, not to give into the human emotion we commonly call fear. That is easy to understand. What is truly a riddle is how do humans turn off the worry machine? Saying, “stop worrying” doesn’t do cease worry and fear. Declaring you will stop worrying, is just an argument you have with yourself about this behavior. Worry will not stop with mental will power. So how do you turn the brain worry process off?Wait. If worry cannot be controlled by thinking “don’t worry”, why attempt to turn it off? Why not laugh at it. Why not be the observer of the machine and watch your own thinking. When you recognize that you are not your mind, you can begin to see the ridiculousness of worry. It is a mind puzzle set up inside the human psyche, similar to the rat chasing the cheese inside a maze in a psychological lab.To understand that you are not your mind, begin by observing your finger. If you lost that finger, would you still be you? Yes, of course. Then you are not your finger. You use your finger, which is directed by your brain to obey your thoughts. Just as you are not your finger, ultimately you can recognize that you are not your mind. You use your mind, but you are the consciousness using your mind to receive and give your being information.You are however trapped inside your mind. Some of the information you receive in your mind is wrong. To counteract the capacity to believe fearful thoughts, you can accept that you are not your mind, but that you use your mind, and right now your mind is misbehavioring by worrying. You are the consciousness observing and deciding all that is occurring in your experience. You use your finger and your mind but you are not your finger or your mind. Understanding this is essential to turning off the worry machine. You can only manage the mind with your consciousness.Now to understand worry. Worry is false thinking. Worry is based upon fear, never is worry based upon love. Worry is a dress rehearsal for a possible disaster created by the mind as a mental preparing for such possibility so you can be ready when disaster strikes. This worry creates stress and does harm to your body. It also interferes with your relationships. Fear is not a healthy basis for good relationships. Love is the better choice over fear and worry.Worry defines who you are. Those important things you worry about define who your personality is, how you respond, and how you show up in life. If you worry about your appearance, then you place all your attention to that, and everyone knows that about you. When you worry, stress appears, and you move out of harmony with yourselves.Turning off the worry machine requires you begin to live in the present moment rather than allow your mind to race into the future. When we race into the future and worry, we allow fear to consume us. Pulling your mind out of this futuristic negative thinking, allows you to recognize that worry is a fantasy of the future based upon your personal fears. Living right now you will see that nothing is wrong. But thinking about the future being wrong produces worry, fear and stress. This projection of your thinking into the future is worry or fear. Love is based on living in the present moment. Fear is based upon living in the future.Truth is worry is a psychological disease that is epidemic within our Western society. The media feeds us information to stimulate fear in the news, movies and other entertainment. This is because fear is a powerful motivator. The media uses fear to sell us the commercials that feeds the fear-producing machine called your thinking or your mind.Not only does the media feed the public fear, politicians and religious fundamental charismatics also use fear to sell people their products. Be careful of fear mongers. They usually have something to sell you, and once purchased you end up the worse in the deal. They feed you fear and you respond, as they want you to respond.Worry is a negative aspect of the human mind that can be lessened. To do this, you must accept that you are the consciousness observing the mind’s thoughts. You do not have to yield to the fear and worry. You can choice to laugh at the thoughts and dismiss the topic as soon as your conscious mind will allow the topic to disappear. Always remember the conscious mind is similar to a chattering monkey sitting on your shoulder always judging and always commenting upon everything you observe. The conscious mind is not always your friend. When you worry, you do not love yourself.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Managing the Financial Panic now engulfing the World

PANIC.
Panic is a anxiety response to excess emotion. Currently the entire world is experiencing a major panic attack seen in the financial markets and the ceasing of the availability of credit for capitalism to run smoothly. We have heard endless reasons for the panic and everyone knows it is happening. What is important is not that we understand the "why" for the panic, but rather we need to understand the methods for dealing with this panic.
When a human has a panic attack, it is recommended that they breathe into a paper bag. This slows down the excess of emotion that has flooded the brain. The purpose for this is simple. When emotions flood our mind we go into an overload of negative emotion and fear, and cannot gain a clear sense of what is important and what is not important. By breathing into a paper bag, you learn that breathing is the primary function needed to survive. So by breathing into the bag, you take your mind off the excess emotion, and get down to basics. That without the next breath you will die. This is similar to the method of getting air out of a bottle. You place water into the bottle, thus empting it of the air. The air is forced out by the water. So fear can be forced out by remembering to breathe, and realizing that breathing is far more important than the fears we have racing through our thinking.
Panic attacks can be managed by meditation as well. This simply places your mind in a position that causes you to watch your breath or count numbers rather than have a contant stream of thoughts that have you overwhelmed. Meditation is a clear method for inner peace. It can when practiced regularly stop the mind from excess fear and panic.
Humans tend to follow each other. We are societies of humans and when panic occurs, we need to stop the fear and settle down. That is wht F. D. Roosevelt said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself". FEAR is the issue. Fear is the problem. Fear and panic are the same emotion.
What is occurring is we are letting go of the old system that no longer works. The old ways that no longer serve the majority of people. We are entering into a time for massive changes and there is every reason for hope as we let go of the old and grab onto the new. But all transitions are emotionally disruptive, and thus the currrent panic.
The solution is to let go of the fear and embrace the new changes that are coming. Keep your focus upon the good that is coming and celebrate the old that is no longer serving the human race.
Fear and panic are human emotions that can be managed once we comprehend them. They are useless emotions that only serve as a dress rehearsal for disaster. All fear is the mind preparing itself for the worst case senario. But how do you know the worst is going to happen? What evidence do you have that this panic is based upon sound principles? I would argue the panic is gaining momentum as everyone joins into the panic. As we individually embrace the changes that are coming, and welcome the new, the panic will cease to consume us.
Roosevelt said it best of all: THE ONLY THING WE NEED TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Workshops Now Offered

I am now offering workshops for individuals and couples who wish to manage their marriage and family in more productive ways.
The workshops are conducted in small settings in gorgeous surroundings in my offices in Moss Beach, 6 miles north of Half Moon Bay.
Workshops are on Saturdays from 9.30 am to 4.30 pm.
The cost is $90 per person.
The two workshops I currently offer are:
1) Making Your Marriage Work: the keys that all successful marriages have mastered are taught and modeled.
2) Divorce Ends a Marriage, it does not end a Family: Unfortunately in todays world, divorce is sometimes necessary. Many people damage their families as they end their marriage. But this does not have to occur. With key principles, families can saved some of the excesses often associated with a divorce. This workshop teaches those principles.
Call 650-726-1212 or email me at stephen@healmarriage.com for more details.