Saturday, February 24, 2007

Victims are powerless

Perceiving Yourself as a Victim Creates Powerlessness

Nothing inhibits the potential for human change more than the concept that people are divided into victims and perpetrators. This mentality emasculates those who believe they are “victims”. Let me explain how this works against positive growth.

Once you experience yourself as a victim, you automatically create a perpetrator who has wronged you. The perpetrator then becomes the focus of your attention. Now you spend all your energy attempting to change the perpetrator, or having revenge, and forget that the only real potential for reorganization in your life is transformation within.

There is a powerful story I once heard about a woman who was raped. When asked if she was still angry about the crime committed, she replied, “that man took five minutes of my life, and that is all he will ever get.” Of course, she took the road less traveled, however for her this belief was empowering. I am not suggesting society should not seek redress for wrong doing, what I am suggesting is that focusing all your energy upon anger against wrong done to you, will keep you stuck and unhappy.

This concept works not only with individuals, but also for nations. I am incredibly impressed with the new government in South Africa. Rather than focus upon punishment for the past, and making perpetrators pay for their crimes, they established a Truth and Reconciliation Commission so that they could get on with building a new and better future. Of course this is a difficult course of action, but it is a revolutionary concept, and it is working. Crimes committed under apartheid are forgiven once acknowledged (truth), then there is reconciliation. This is an incredible paradigm shift in thinking.

Victimization focuses upon revenge. Moving on, is a process that builds positive spirit into the future. Desmond Tutu who lead the commission in South Africa explained that the process did not require the victims who forgave become friends with those who had done them wrong, rather he emphasized moving forward into a brighter future. Punishment and getting even, appear to make the perpetrator pay for their crimes, but in reality they produce years of hatred that we have witnessed in Kosovo between the different religious groups. Ireland has also wasted years of hatred between Catholics and Protestants. Unable to reconcile, the country has been consumed with violence.
On an individual level, it is disempowering to picture yourself as a victim of your parents. And yet many people continue to be stuck in this story of the past. Forgiving your parents is not about letting them off the hock for their crimes against you, rather it frees you up to have powerful relationships in the present. Anyone who harbors hatred against their parents cannot move into the future without a scare so deep that all their intimate relationships are affected. Of course, what needs to be done is teach human’s how to let go of the past, and how to reconcile with past perpetrators. That is the skillful art of psychotherapy.

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