If you have been in a committed relationship for any length of time, you have probably faced the loss of enchantment most relationships experience as time marches on. How to return the magic is one of the most common questions presented in marital therapy. What can be done to awaken the marriage, and return the magic?
Whenever I go to the circus I am always impressed with the work of the trapeze artists. Their grace and timing is impeccable. They have learnt how to co-ordinate they’re rhythm with each other, and their beauty as a team is mesmerizing. I would describe the trapeze as a group of people dancing in mid air, with only a safety net to protect them from total disaster.
I see the beauty of the trapeze as a wonderful metaphor for couples who are looking to have an extraordinary relationship. The ease and grace witnessed by the audience does not tell the story about how much they have to practice and work out together to produce such a beautiful drama in the air. The dedication to their work, and the amount of time they practice goes unnoticed once the circus act begins. But we all can understand from the difficulty of the task how hard they have worked to produce the results we see at the circus.
Truth is they have practiced, practiced and then practiced some more. So with a good relationship, time is spent acquiring skills that gives the couple the grace and surrender we all enjoy to behold. Practice is required to create a magical relationship. It never happens effortlessly. In the trapeze act we do not see all the attempts they try to create what is seen during the performance. So to with extraordinary relationships. They happen because the couple has dedication and resolution.
Magical relationships have the timing and grace of the trapeze artist. The timing comes from experience, learning new skills, and putting yourselves in the position where you can be couched by others. People ask therapists all the time, does therapy work for couples? The answer is yes, but it takes commitment, dedication and practice. I have seen many couples transform dysfunction systems into graceful works of art, but only with hard work, practice and powerful communication skills.
Couples therapy is only one of the tools available for couples wishing to return the magic. I have seen spectacular results from marriage encounter weekends, and many churches offer them free of charge. Check with your local minister to find such weekend retreats for couples. I have seen many good seminars and workshops produce transformation in marriages. I have watched couples grow just by going to group sessions for couples. Any arena where you get to practice and learn new skills will improve your relationship, and will assist the couple in recapturing the magic that began the relationship in the first place.
If you want to have a powerful relationship, you will have to work at it. And, this needs to happen not just when you get into trouble. Before the magic wears thin, finding support to produce an extraordinary relationship is available from many sources. If you really want to revitalize your commitment, you can and you will find many sources for support in doing this work.
Perhaps having a wonderful relationship is not important to you. Maybe the trapeze artist is a totally pointless craft. Maybe you prefer to just have an exchange of services in your marriage. If so, let things be. But if you yearn for more, and if you long for the magic to return or increase, you will have to be committed to working hard. You may have to learn new skills and you will definitely have to practice these skills within your relationship if you want it to flourish and grow.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Abandonment Feelings
Much of human behavior is run unconsciously by the fear of abandonment.
Frankie Lane who died recently sang the High Noon song associated with the movie. “Do not forsake me oh my darling”. Frankie sang the song with such pathos that you felt alone just listening to the song. The song had a haunting experience of aloneness and isolation in the face of everything that was supposed to be good. “Do not forsake me oh my darling, on this our wedding day”. Ultimately this feeling runs human beings in the strangest of ways and we often act out these feelings without conscious control.
For example, the female astronaut who stalked a fellow astronaut and was arrested for her behavior was acting out abandonment feeling, without even understanding what she was doing. The media questioned the research NASA does when selecting such high powered people to explore space. They reasoned that psychological testing should have identified these bizarre behaviors she expressed ahead of time. But how can any psychological test predict the dark side of the abandonment feelings? They come when lest expected and can create bizarre behavior that is personally humiliating and even criminal as in the case of the female astronaut. Not only that, if we disqualify people when feelings of abandonment run amok, no one would ever achieve any high office anywhere. Certainly not politicians and religious leaders who have been publicly caught acting out their abandonment feelings having affairs with the most inappropriate people at the most inappropriate times.
Best to understand your dark side and know that we are all capable of acting out painful abandonment feelings. Ultimately they arise from being human. We are born without a clear purpose, without a real sense of belonging and we have to create family in the best way we can. If this is at all faulty in your past, when you least expect it, these feelings can create havoc in your life.
As a marriage and family therapist, I see these feelings expressed whenever the couple is at odds with each other and whenever they begin feeling lonely inside their marriage. Most affairs have their origin in these feelings, as sexuality is one of the prime addictions used by couples to salve the hurt that comes from the feelings of abandonment. If you have never felt alone inside an intimate relationship, perhaps you will not understand. In my experience most people feel totally alone from time to time, so if you have never recognized these feelings inside yourself, perhaps you are in denial about your unconscious mind and the tricks it is capable of playing.
Often sexual infidelity is blamed on drug and alcohol abuse. But under the mind-altering experience of wiping out your better sense of priority with drugs and alcohol, you will find the abandonment feeling lurking and waiting to create havoc. Handling the drug and alcohol abuse may be the first step in recovery, but ultimately if you are to understand yourself and exercise a measure of self-restraint, you will need to come to terms with abandonment feelings.
The Eastern philosophies tell us abandonment is an illusion. They say, we are all one; that we are all connected as a complete species. In their view, the illusion of being totally alone is the mind playing games within itself to darken the experience of living. If this philosophy is correct, then humans should never feel abandonment. But I have never met anyone who was self-observant who didn’t have a hard time from time to time dealing with feelings of abandonment.
Many young adults blame their parents for these feelings. They reason that because these feelings are so painful to cope with, there must be something mummy and daddy didn’t do that produced these feelings. Parents in our society are quick to criticize themselves, and often take on these guilt trips and then the feelings produce hurt and anguish within the family that if not understood can deaden the family spirit.
Truth is we all have these dark feelings to manage. Like greed, lust, jealousy, and the other negative feelings humans have to manage, these feelings can express themselves in self-destructive ways. To cope with the feelings it is best to look them straight in the eye. Do not run from them. Understand them. Learn how to manage them, and accept that all humans have feelings of isolation to deal with, and sometimes these feelings of isolation are hard and tough to cope with.
Frankie Lane who died recently sang the High Noon song associated with the movie. “Do not forsake me oh my darling”. Frankie sang the song with such pathos that you felt alone just listening to the song. The song had a haunting experience of aloneness and isolation in the face of everything that was supposed to be good. “Do not forsake me oh my darling, on this our wedding day”. Ultimately this feeling runs human beings in the strangest of ways and we often act out these feelings without conscious control.
For example, the female astronaut who stalked a fellow astronaut and was arrested for her behavior was acting out abandonment feeling, without even understanding what she was doing. The media questioned the research NASA does when selecting such high powered people to explore space. They reasoned that psychological testing should have identified these bizarre behaviors she expressed ahead of time. But how can any psychological test predict the dark side of the abandonment feelings? They come when lest expected and can create bizarre behavior that is personally humiliating and even criminal as in the case of the female astronaut. Not only that, if we disqualify people when feelings of abandonment run amok, no one would ever achieve any high office anywhere. Certainly not politicians and religious leaders who have been publicly caught acting out their abandonment feelings having affairs with the most inappropriate people at the most inappropriate times.
Best to understand your dark side and know that we are all capable of acting out painful abandonment feelings. Ultimately they arise from being human. We are born without a clear purpose, without a real sense of belonging and we have to create family in the best way we can. If this is at all faulty in your past, when you least expect it, these feelings can create havoc in your life.
As a marriage and family therapist, I see these feelings expressed whenever the couple is at odds with each other and whenever they begin feeling lonely inside their marriage. Most affairs have their origin in these feelings, as sexuality is one of the prime addictions used by couples to salve the hurt that comes from the feelings of abandonment. If you have never felt alone inside an intimate relationship, perhaps you will not understand. In my experience most people feel totally alone from time to time, so if you have never recognized these feelings inside yourself, perhaps you are in denial about your unconscious mind and the tricks it is capable of playing.
Often sexual infidelity is blamed on drug and alcohol abuse. But under the mind-altering experience of wiping out your better sense of priority with drugs and alcohol, you will find the abandonment feeling lurking and waiting to create havoc. Handling the drug and alcohol abuse may be the first step in recovery, but ultimately if you are to understand yourself and exercise a measure of self-restraint, you will need to come to terms with abandonment feelings.
The Eastern philosophies tell us abandonment is an illusion. They say, we are all one; that we are all connected as a complete species. In their view, the illusion of being totally alone is the mind playing games within itself to darken the experience of living. If this philosophy is correct, then humans should never feel abandonment. But I have never met anyone who was self-observant who didn’t have a hard time from time to time dealing with feelings of abandonment.
Many young adults blame their parents for these feelings. They reason that because these feelings are so painful to cope with, there must be something mummy and daddy didn’t do that produced these feelings. Parents in our society are quick to criticize themselves, and often take on these guilt trips and then the feelings produce hurt and anguish within the family that if not understood can deaden the family spirit.
Truth is we all have these dark feelings to manage. Like greed, lust, jealousy, and the other negative feelings humans have to manage, these feelings can express themselves in self-destructive ways. To cope with the feelings it is best to look them straight in the eye. Do not run from them. Understand them. Learn how to manage them, and accept that all humans have feelings of isolation to deal with, and sometimes these feelings of isolation are hard and tough to cope with.
Why is Marriage So Difficult?
I love watching the Olympic Games. The best of the best compete for a gold medal. What is obvious is that winning a gold medal is extremely difficult. If everyone could win a gold medal, the Olympics would not be special. The same is true of marriage. If success were easy, the majority of marriages would be wonderful. First time marriages would not have a 50% divorce rate, and the majority of people who stay married for life would report marriage as ideal. However, the reverse is true.
Truth is most people fail at marriage. Success in marriage is like success in any arena of life, rather difficult and demanding. Being a full time marriage and family therapist in private practice, has lead me to conclude that no more than 10% of marriages are really successful. Success in marriage is where both parties report that their marriage is challenging but very rewarding. Good marriages balance the needs of the individuals without sacrificing the harmony of the couple. Truth is that may be as complicated as balancing on parallel bars, or running a successful marathon.
Human’s gravitate to groups and seek companionship. These needs are well served by marriage. However, creating harmony with another is complicated unless one member of the couple is totally dominant, and the other completely submissive. True marital harmony is a goal most profess to want; yet few attain. The compromises required for two strong people to be both individuals and a couple is an art form that only the few master. Just like the Olympics, the true masters make the sport look easy, when in truth they have practiced and practiced for years to gain success in just one small arena of life.
Why is marriage so difficult? Because opposites must be in balance. Because two becoming one is extremely demanding. Remember the three-legged race, when two people tie your inner legs together and try to run in harmony. Challenging and difficult. You must surrender personal ego and work as a team. But once accomplished, the task is meaningless, except as a metaphor.
The real problem for marriage today is that no one spells out the challenge. Society is more interested in saving the word “marriage” for heterosexuals than in accepting that marriage between two people whatever the sexual preferences is extremely challenging and very difficult. As long as we debate the form of marriage and not the substance of marriage we shall remain in the dark ages. Society spends mega bucks promoting the official party surrounding the wedding and does nothing to prepare for the hard work of marriage. This is like preparing for the Olympics by selecting the candidates based on outer garments and party preparations. Forget running preliminary races or having trials. Base everything on outer appearance. And then the rich would succeed at sports while the poor would not be invited. If this were how we prepared for the Olympics, not many gold medals would be forth coming. The gold belongs to those who have natural talent and who practice and train for many long years before going to the Olympics. Success in marriage doesn’t belong to those who throw the best wedding party, but rather to those who practice at the art of marriage.
Why do we believe that anyone who is heterosexual can succeed at marriage as long as they have the right send off, and get a legitimate license? Just look at all the politicians who want your vote. They all have perfect little families and happy marriages and they show them off at their national conventions. Marriage is simple according to the political parties that want your vote. All politicians have perfect families and perfect marriages, until the press gets wind of the outer illusion.
By now I hope I have made my case. Marriage is difficult. As difficult as winning at anything that is challenging. Marriage like life was never intended to be easy. It is not easy for heterosexuals or homosexuals. Marriage is not easy for Republicans or Democrats. Better marriages are not found in Christian or Muslim marriages. Marriage is hard work, and the truth is most people are too lazy to win a gold medal in sports, or have a successful marriage in life. Worst of all, society perpetuates the illusion that a marriage license is all you need to succeed in one of the most challenging aspects of life.
When our society places marriage and family issues for students to learn in school then I will know we are more committed to having successful marriages in our country. When we have more psychological services offered to families who struggle with violence, then I shall know we as a nation are more committed to what is possible in marriage. As long as we are worried about who can marry and who cannot marry, we remain in denial about the struggles and challenges within all marriages and we stay stuck with the empty form of marriage rather than striving to reach the gold medals available to the hard working few who search for perfection within the married state.
Truth is most people fail at marriage. Success in marriage is like success in any arena of life, rather difficult and demanding. Being a full time marriage and family therapist in private practice, has lead me to conclude that no more than 10% of marriages are really successful. Success in marriage is where both parties report that their marriage is challenging but very rewarding. Good marriages balance the needs of the individuals without sacrificing the harmony of the couple. Truth is that may be as complicated as balancing on parallel bars, or running a successful marathon.
Human’s gravitate to groups and seek companionship. These needs are well served by marriage. However, creating harmony with another is complicated unless one member of the couple is totally dominant, and the other completely submissive. True marital harmony is a goal most profess to want; yet few attain. The compromises required for two strong people to be both individuals and a couple is an art form that only the few master. Just like the Olympics, the true masters make the sport look easy, when in truth they have practiced and practiced for years to gain success in just one small arena of life.
Why is marriage so difficult? Because opposites must be in balance. Because two becoming one is extremely demanding. Remember the three-legged race, when two people tie your inner legs together and try to run in harmony. Challenging and difficult. You must surrender personal ego and work as a team. But once accomplished, the task is meaningless, except as a metaphor.
The real problem for marriage today is that no one spells out the challenge. Society is more interested in saving the word “marriage” for heterosexuals than in accepting that marriage between two people whatever the sexual preferences is extremely challenging and very difficult. As long as we debate the form of marriage and not the substance of marriage we shall remain in the dark ages. Society spends mega bucks promoting the official party surrounding the wedding and does nothing to prepare for the hard work of marriage. This is like preparing for the Olympics by selecting the candidates based on outer garments and party preparations. Forget running preliminary races or having trials. Base everything on outer appearance. And then the rich would succeed at sports while the poor would not be invited. If this were how we prepared for the Olympics, not many gold medals would be forth coming. The gold belongs to those who have natural talent and who practice and train for many long years before going to the Olympics. Success in marriage doesn’t belong to those who throw the best wedding party, but rather to those who practice at the art of marriage.
Why do we believe that anyone who is heterosexual can succeed at marriage as long as they have the right send off, and get a legitimate license? Just look at all the politicians who want your vote. They all have perfect little families and happy marriages and they show them off at their national conventions. Marriage is simple according to the political parties that want your vote. All politicians have perfect families and perfect marriages, until the press gets wind of the outer illusion.
By now I hope I have made my case. Marriage is difficult. As difficult as winning at anything that is challenging. Marriage like life was never intended to be easy. It is not easy for heterosexuals or homosexuals. Marriage is not easy for Republicans or Democrats. Better marriages are not found in Christian or Muslim marriages. Marriage is hard work, and the truth is most people are too lazy to win a gold medal in sports, or have a successful marriage in life. Worst of all, society perpetuates the illusion that a marriage license is all you need to succeed in one of the most challenging aspects of life.
When our society places marriage and family issues for students to learn in school then I will know we are more committed to having successful marriages in our country. When we have more psychological services offered to families who struggle with violence, then I shall know we as a nation are more committed to what is possible in marriage. As long as we are worried about who can marry and who cannot marry, we remain in denial about the struggles and challenges within all marriages and we stay stuck with the empty form of marriage rather than striving to reach the gold medals available to the hard working few who search for perfection within the married state.
Solitude of The Self
Every now and then a true orator appears and inspires us in ways we have not been moved before. Martin Luther King, John Kennedy, Winston Churchill stand apart for the inspiration they were able to create in our generation. Few women have had the opportunity to reach such highs. But without a doubt one such woman was Elizabeth Cady Stanton. She was able to debate the rights of women in such eloquent words that no one could respond articulately to her arguments. They would ridicule, hate, malign, but no one could clearly address the issues she spoke about. My daughter recently came across her final address, and I found it so inspiring for all of us (men and women) that I would like to reproduce it for your consideration. The title is the solitude of self. Stanton was a mother, wife, lover, social activist and at the end of her life after her husband died, she spoke of the solitude of life so beautifully, so clearly, that I believe we can all gain from her insight.
Here is her final address to the National American Convention on January 18, 1892.
“No matter how much women prefer to lean, to be protected and supported, nor how much men prefer to have them do so, they must make the voyage of life alone, and for safety in an emergency they must know something of the laws of navigation….
The talk of sheltering women from the fierce storms of life is sheer mockery, for they beat on her from every point of the compass just as they do on man, and with more fatal results, for he has been trained to protect himself, to resist, to conquer... Whatever the theories may be of woman’s dependence on man, in the supreme moments of her life he cannot bear her burdens….(In) the tragedies and triumphs of human experience each mortal must stand alone.
The strongest reason why we ask for women a voice in the government under which she lives; in the religion she is asked to believe; equality in social life, where she is the chief factor; a place in the trades and professions, where she may earn her bread, is because of her birthright to self sovereignty; because as an individual, she must rely on herself.
In age, when the pleasures of youth are passed, children grown up, married and gone, the hurry and bustle of life in a measure over, when the hands are weary of active service, when the old armchair and the fireside are chosen resorts, then men and women alike must fall back on their own resources. There is a solitude which each and every one of us has always carried.... more inaccessible than the ice-cold mountains, more profound than the midnight sea; the solitude of self. Our inner being, which we call ourselves, no eye or touch of man or angel has ever pierced."
Here is her final address to the National American Convention on January 18, 1892.
“No matter how much women prefer to lean, to be protected and supported, nor how much men prefer to have them do so, they must make the voyage of life alone, and for safety in an emergency they must know something of the laws of navigation….
The talk of sheltering women from the fierce storms of life is sheer mockery, for they beat on her from every point of the compass just as they do on man, and with more fatal results, for he has been trained to protect himself, to resist, to conquer... Whatever the theories may be of woman’s dependence on man, in the supreme moments of her life he cannot bear her burdens….(In) the tragedies and triumphs of human experience each mortal must stand alone.
The strongest reason why we ask for women a voice in the government under which she lives; in the religion she is asked to believe; equality in social life, where she is the chief factor; a place in the trades and professions, where she may earn her bread, is because of her birthright to self sovereignty; because as an individual, she must rely on herself.
In age, when the pleasures of youth are passed, children grown up, married and gone, the hurry and bustle of life in a measure over, when the hands are weary of active service, when the old armchair and the fireside are chosen resorts, then men and women alike must fall back on their own resources. There is a solitude which each and every one of us has always carried.... more inaccessible than the ice-cold mountains, more profound than the midnight sea; the solitude of self. Our inner being, which we call ourselves, no eye or touch of man or angel has ever pierced."
What are the Foundations of a Successful Marriage
What distinctions create a successful relationship. Is it luck, good karma, or are there some specific observable reasons a small minority of people find happiness with an intimate partnership?
Obviously luck and karma may play there part, but observation does indicate that good relationships have three essential components buried deep within them. Trust, honesty and complete communication are requirements if one wants to find happiness in a relationship.
It amasses me that most couples would tell an outside friend information about intimate aspects of their lives before they can share this information with their partner. This unhealthy state exists because trust, honesty and complete truthfulness have not been established, or once the relationship progresses, fear hinders clean open communication. The problem usually goes back to judgments made between lovers, then defensiveness and fear enter the equation. When humans are intimate, it is essential that judgments be held in check. With judgments come disapproval and anger, hurt and defensiveness, all the negative qualities that deaden intimacy.
What to do if you are not honest, trusting and completely open with your partner? First question is this is an appropriate relationship for you? If not, then deal with that. If it is appropriate, and if you are feeling judgment or experiencing being judged by your partner, talk about it. Honest communication is essential for success. Without complete truthfulness, how can trust be established? Without trust, how can love survive? Without love, how can your intimacy continue?
I am sure you have heard the three rules for buying good real estate. “Location, location, location.” Relationship rules are similar. “Communicate, communicate, communicate.” Communication is not just what is said, but just as important it includes what is not said. If you have a breakdown in communication, it becomes essential that you immediately fix the problem. If you cannot fix it together, seek outside help. Mediation, spiritual counseling, marriage therapy are all possibilities to helping you get back on course.
Success in relationship occurs when you are in love with your best friend. And if they are your best friend, you can and will tell them everything. If you cannot share important data with your marital partner, you have a serious problem, and you need to do some hard soul searching to find a way to remedy that condition.
So, success is found in couples that can and do talk regularly about everything and anything. And if you cannot and will not talk to your best friend, find out what is the blockage and do something about the issue, before the matter strangles the love that is left between the two of you.
Obviously luck and karma may play there part, but observation does indicate that good relationships have three essential components buried deep within them. Trust, honesty and complete communication are requirements if one wants to find happiness in a relationship.
It amasses me that most couples would tell an outside friend information about intimate aspects of their lives before they can share this information with their partner. This unhealthy state exists because trust, honesty and complete truthfulness have not been established, or once the relationship progresses, fear hinders clean open communication. The problem usually goes back to judgments made between lovers, then defensiveness and fear enter the equation. When humans are intimate, it is essential that judgments be held in check. With judgments come disapproval and anger, hurt and defensiveness, all the negative qualities that deaden intimacy.
What to do if you are not honest, trusting and completely open with your partner? First question is this is an appropriate relationship for you? If not, then deal with that. If it is appropriate, and if you are feeling judgment or experiencing being judged by your partner, talk about it. Honest communication is essential for success. Without complete truthfulness, how can trust be established? Without trust, how can love survive? Without love, how can your intimacy continue?
I am sure you have heard the three rules for buying good real estate. “Location, location, location.” Relationship rules are similar. “Communicate, communicate, communicate.” Communication is not just what is said, but just as important it includes what is not said. If you have a breakdown in communication, it becomes essential that you immediately fix the problem. If you cannot fix it together, seek outside help. Mediation, spiritual counseling, marriage therapy are all possibilities to helping you get back on course.
Success in relationship occurs when you are in love with your best friend. And if they are your best friend, you can and will tell them everything. If you cannot share important data with your marital partner, you have a serious problem, and you need to do some hard soul searching to find a way to remedy that condition.
So, success is found in couples that can and do talk regularly about everything and anything. And if you cannot and will not talk to your best friend, find out what is the blockage and do something about the issue, before the matter strangles the love that is left between the two of you.
Surviving Divorce
A friend of mine who has been married for over 25 years wrote me this email today.
Guess I'd better get this over with. Told most of my friends and so here goes. I'm going to join the ranks of the newly divorced. My husband doesn't want to be married. He's really tried but he can't keep up this lie anymore. Don't have a whole lot to say but don't mind in the least answering questions. I'm still in that blessed numb state. But we have talked and talked and talked and I do understand it.
Yes we have talked to somebody, yes I will talk to somebody and I know we will both be alright and I also know we will stay friends. I'm just tired right now so write back and tell me what you think.
I wrote back.
.....so sorry to hear that it is your turn in the barrel. Divorce is a horrible process to go through....unfortunately probably necessary for far too many of us if we are going to be honest and live authentic lives. When so many people get divorced we have to ask what is wrong with the task, rather than what is wrong with the people. Not that mistakes have not been made. Rather, marriages do end, more often now before the death of one of the partners. When Paula and I got divorced my mother never blamed either one of us, she just expressed sadness about what was happening. She did not pick sides. She remained compassionately detached, which gave me the opportunity to work through my own feelings without having to work through family feelings as well.
Beware of blaming yourself, or your husband. That will only distract you from what you need to do right now. Blaming is useless, and merely perpetuates the simplistic game of victim and perpetrator. Life is never so simple as to find one person right and another person wrong. Blame goes on and on forever, never allowing you to come to peace and forgiveness. Perhaps the hardest person to forgive when divorce occurs is yourself. With blame, you are always opening yourself up for self hatred. The process is about forgiveness and letting go, not about making other people wrong, and continuing the anger. Eventually if the anger is not forgiven, it will eat you up inside.
After ten years, I have finally come to the place where I believe Paula and I had a fabulous marriage. We had troubles like all marriages have troubles, and we ended those struggles by the divorce process. But I now realize that we did marital relationship splendidly for 25 years and we are now great friends. It is the going through the adjustment of divorce that is hard. It is like pulling a fully grown tree out of the earth and replanting it. The tree suffers, goes into shock, but it is necessary for the survival of the tree, and so the tree endures. With age unfortunately comes sadness. We have to surrender the idealism of our youth and we have to accept reality as it is rather than as we wish it to be. With this surrender comes growth and new life, new awareness.
So you have embarked upon a journey that I found very difficult to travel, but after many years I have found it gratifying to have found so many lessons from such a difficult and painful process. What I have learnt that carries me forward is that if I can get through a divorce and be as loving and peaceful at the other end as I am towards myself and Paula about our marriage, then I have learnt something very special. I also know if I can endure a divorce, I can continue to grow no matter what the difficulty. I know you will also learn this truth. I know that on the other side of this pain is a joy that matches this hardship, because that is the way life is designed.
All my love,
Stephen
Guess I'd better get this over with. Told most of my friends and so here goes. I'm going to join the ranks of the newly divorced. My husband doesn't want to be married. He's really tried but he can't keep up this lie anymore. Don't have a whole lot to say but don't mind in the least answering questions. I'm still in that blessed numb state. But we have talked and talked and talked and I do understand it.
Yes we have talked to somebody, yes I will talk to somebody and I know we will both be alright and I also know we will stay friends. I'm just tired right now so write back and tell me what you think.
I wrote back.
.....so sorry to hear that it is your turn in the barrel. Divorce is a horrible process to go through....unfortunately probably necessary for far too many of us if we are going to be honest and live authentic lives. When so many people get divorced we have to ask what is wrong with the task, rather than what is wrong with the people. Not that mistakes have not been made. Rather, marriages do end, more often now before the death of one of the partners. When Paula and I got divorced my mother never blamed either one of us, she just expressed sadness about what was happening. She did not pick sides. She remained compassionately detached, which gave me the opportunity to work through my own feelings without having to work through family feelings as well.
Beware of blaming yourself, or your husband. That will only distract you from what you need to do right now. Blaming is useless, and merely perpetuates the simplistic game of victim and perpetrator. Life is never so simple as to find one person right and another person wrong. Blame goes on and on forever, never allowing you to come to peace and forgiveness. Perhaps the hardest person to forgive when divorce occurs is yourself. With blame, you are always opening yourself up for self hatred. The process is about forgiveness and letting go, not about making other people wrong, and continuing the anger. Eventually if the anger is not forgiven, it will eat you up inside.
After ten years, I have finally come to the place where I believe Paula and I had a fabulous marriage. We had troubles like all marriages have troubles, and we ended those struggles by the divorce process. But I now realize that we did marital relationship splendidly for 25 years and we are now great friends. It is the going through the adjustment of divorce that is hard. It is like pulling a fully grown tree out of the earth and replanting it. The tree suffers, goes into shock, but it is necessary for the survival of the tree, and so the tree endures. With age unfortunately comes sadness. We have to surrender the idealism of our youth and we have to accept reality as it is rather than as we wish it to be. With this surrender comes growth and new life, new awareness.
So you have embarked upon a journey that I found very difficult to travel, but after many years I have found it gratifying to have found so many lessons from such a difficult and painful process. What I have learnt that carries me forward is that if I can get through a divorce and be as loving and peaceful at the other end as I am towards myself and Paula about our marriage, then I have learnt something very special. I also know if I can endure a divorce, I can continue to grow no matter what the difficulty. I know you will also learn this truth. I know that on the other side of this pain is a joy that matches this hardship, because that is the way life is designed.
All my love,
Stephen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
