Life in the rear view mirror.
"And if life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are"
Meatloaf.
Object in the rear view mirror always appear closer than they are. It is an optical illusion. It not only is an illusion when looking in a rear view mirror, it is as Meatloaf suggests, an illusion relevant to human life and our personal history. The incidents of the past appear closer than they are when you feel distressed and horrified by your personal history.
What are the issues associated with looking in the rear view mirror of life? Life must be directed by looking backwards to get some idea how we should operate in the present and future. Life is guided forwards, by looking backwards. But looking back has dangers that need to be understood and we need to remember that the perception of the past distorts the reality of the present, just as objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are.
As a psychotherapist with 26 years of hands on experience, I know you must look in the rear view mirror of life to heal. It is absolutely true that some digging into the past is essential for emotional healing. The issue is how much digging, and how much exploration is essential. And once begun, how do you stop the endless obsessing over the past having uncovered the secrets.
Woody Allen has made a career out of digging into his past. He has found the funny side of his neurosis and used it to make movies that are witty and entertaining. But how much of his behavior is valuable for the rest of us who have no need to make funny movies about neurotic people?
Why look backwards, and how far backwards do you need to look? Unless you have learnt from the past, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes. That is the human way. Unconscious behavior repeats itself over and over again, until we have integrated the lessons of the past and we no longer need to repeat them. This is the case for looking in the rear view mirror of life.
But having learnt from the past, when do we cease looking backwards? When do objects in the rear view mirror appear closer than they are? I suspect once you have become obsessed with the past you have gone too far. If the objective is emotional healing, and the behavior of searching through the past has become obsessional, then I would assume looking backwards has gone way too far.
In reality there is no past or future, there is only the present. Now is the present. The past is gone, and the future is undefined. There is nothing about the future that is real in the present. Yet we can become obsessed with the future and the past and miss the present moment. This is the great truth offered by Eastern religion. Western religion focuses upon the future (heaven and hell), while eastern philosophy teaches the value of living in the present moment, the “now”.
The concepts may be hard to grasp, but the consequences are large. All fear is a reaction to the past or the future. In present time nothing exists that needs to be feared. Yet we all live with fears. And all fears come from looking in the rear view mirror, where objects appear closer than they are. Fear is a clear distortion of reality, and it can only be healed by living in the present moment, which means giving up looking in the rear view mirror.
The important message to gain from this discussion is that while the past and the future may be intriguing, they are largely irrelevant. Present time is the only moment that exists and once you have gained that wisdom, you are capable of producing happiness for yourself. Without this understanding you are looking at life through the distortion of the rear view mirror. And you are driving your car forward while being distracted by the past.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Effective Communication
The Seventh Key Principle: Communication
The seventh and final key principle that all successful relationships exhibit is the art of good communication. Communication is sharing verbally and non verbally so that the message is accepted and understood by your partner. Communication is not always agreement, rather it is talking plus listening and understanding.
Communication has been broken down into three components; content, tone and non verbal. Seven percent of communication is content, thirty eighty percent is tone, and fifty five percent is non verbal. Most of us would assume the content is the most important component when in reality, the non verbal messages are by far the principle ingredient.
Communication is a skill that can be learnt. The best way to learn this is to practice what is called the 'SRA' exercise. 'S' stands for statement, 'R' stands for restatement, and 'A' represents Agreement. The exercise begins with one of the parties making a clear and concise statement, while the other partner listens. Once the first party has finished, the listener reports back what they think they have heard. If it is not correct, the first person repeats their statement until the other has clearly received their message. Then the listener, finds some agreement within what is said. Perhaps all they can agree to is that that is how their partner feels. Perhaps they can agree to all that is expressed. The exercise is designed to build places of agreement so that the relationship can get back on course.
After the first partner has spoken, you change sides, and the other begins with a statement, while their partner listens, then reports back and then finds some point of agreement.
The hard part of communication is delivering anger and conflict. In order to handle conflict effectively couples need to establish ground rules for fair fighting. Such rules include taking time outs when emotions get too hot. Another rule could be always speak in "I" messages as opposed to "You" messages. "I" messages are statements about how "I" feel, while "You" messages are accusative and judgmental about the other. Good communicators learn how to create and develop grounds rules for conflict and abide by these ground rules whenever conflict and anger is present in communication.
Good communication is also enhanced with a clearing process. Clearing processes are scheduled appointments when couples agree to communicate about topics that they would rather not address. These times should be scheduled approximately once or twice a month. Begin by asking and answering the following questions. "What undelivered communications do I have with you?". "What hasn't been said that needs to be said?". "What do I want to be acknowledged for?". Scheduling times when you talk about what is difficult to talk about keeps the relationship healthy and open. Communication breakdowns usually occur from what hasn't been said, more often that what has been said. It is important to keep communication open, free, and healthy, and the clearing process will ensure that happens.
All successful relationships have these seven key principles. Good communication is perhaps the hardest and most important predictor of a long, lasting relationship.
The seventh and final key principle that all successful relationships exhibit is the art of good communication. Communication is sharing verbally and non verbally so that the message is accepted and understood by your partner. Communication is not always agreement, rather it is talking plus listening and understanding.
Communication has been broken down into three components; content, tone and non verbal. Seven percent of communication is content, thirty eighty percent is tone, and fifty five percent is non verbal. Most of us would assume the content is the most important component when in reality, the non verbal messages are by far the principle ingredient.
Communication is a skill that can be learnt. The best way to learn this is to practice what is called the 'SRA' exercise. 'S' stands for statement, 'R' stands for restatement, and 'A' represents Agreement. The exercise begins with one of the parties making a clear and concise statement, while the other partner listens. Once the first party has finished, the listener reports back what they think they have heard. If it is not correct, the first person repeats their statement until the other has clearly received their message. Then the listener, finds some agreement within what is said. Perhaps all they can agree to is that that is how their partner feels. Perhaps they can agree to all that is expressed. The exercise is designed to build places of agreement so that the relationship can get back on course.
After the first partner has spoken, you change sides, and the other begins with a statement, while their partner listens, then reports back and then finds some point of agreement.
The hard part of communication is delivering anger and conflict. In order to handle conflict effectively couples need to establish ground rules for fair fighting. Such rules include taking time outs when emotions get too hot. Another rule could be always speak in "I" messages as opposed to "You" messages. "I" messages are statements about how "I" feel, while "You" messages are accusative and judgmental about the other. Good communicators learn how to create and develop grounds rules for conflict and abide by these ground rules whenever conflict and anger is present in communication.
Good communication is also enhanced with a clearing process. Clearing processes are scheduled appointments when couples agree to communicate about topics that they would rather not address. These times should be scheduled approximately once or twice a month. Begin by asking and answering the following questions. "What undelivered communications do I have with you?". "What hasn't been said that needs to be said?". "What do I want to be acknowledged for?". Scheduling times when you talk about what is difficult to talk about keeps the relationship healthy and open. Communication breakdowns usually occur from what hasn't been said, more often that what has been said. It is important to keep communication open, free, and healthy, and the clearing process will ensure that happens.
All successful relationships have these seven key principles. Good communication is perhaps the hardest and most important predictor of a long, lasting relationship.
How To Forgive the Unforgivable
How to Forgive the Unforgivable
One of the most important keys to finding happiness is in learning the secret of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the art of letting your mind rest around issues that are troubling to you. When the mind is engaged with the tension about wrongs and hurts you have suffered in the past, your mind is in torment. And thus the ability to rest your thoughts about past hurts gives you inner peace and mental rest.
However, this begs the question, how do you learn to forgive? How do you bring your mind to rest about the past? How do you stop fearing the future? When in the past you have hurt another person, feeling guilt is the predominant emotion. When you believe others have hurt or wounded you, anger is the usual response. Either way, your mind is unsettled, and troubled. Forgiveness rests the mind and settles the past, allowing you to live in the present moment without the pain and the torment of those past hurts, and without fear of the future.
Many people successful use rituals to learn how to forgive. Some seek the use of confession. Others talk in therapy. Some write letters to people who have hurt them in the past, expressing all their feelings, and then never send the letter. This way, they can unburden their feelings about the past without involving all the people who have made up that past. Other rituals might be to dig a hole in the earth and shout your hurts into that hole, at the same time releasing the pain of that hurt. Then you can cover the hole, and send the hurt away. Such rituals are physical tasks to help you grasp the emotional aspect within the act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the mind letting go of the emotional turmoil you are holding onto.
But the real key to understanding forgiveness is to recognize that you as a human have no ability to forgive anyone but yourself. Only God can forgive people. You are not righteous enough, to forgive. As all religions express, we are human, sinners, and live in glass houses, thereby making us incapable of the divine capacity to forgive other humans. Your forgiving another is not about them at all, it is entirely about you and your mental process. You let go of the tension you hold in your mind about that person. You let go the inner turmoil you feel, and thus you allow yourself to experience emotional rest and mental peace. You don’t even need them to ask forgiveness, or to apologize.
This is so hard to grasp, because we have been taught that when another wrongs us, we have the power to forgive them. Not so. Only they can forgive themselves, as only you can forgive yourself. On a spiritual level, only God can forgive human’s of transgression. Not that we should not have the courtesy of a social interactions that when wronged, we ask another to apologize. Not that another cannot ask you to forgive them, or excuse them for a transgression they have made. It is just that forgiveness on the divine level is not within the capability of humans to do. And the miracle of this is that we do not need another to repent of their sins to forgive. For forgiveness is merely empting our minds of the obsessive thinking we run though our brain when angry and upset at others.
To forgive is to bless yourself. To forgive is to grant yourself freedom. To forgive is to give yourself the gift of happiness, because when you release the inner tension, you release your mind from the torment you have been carrying by not forgiving yourself or another. To forgive another does not require that they apologize, or repent. To forgive is to release the inner tension you carry when you hold hatred within your heart for those who have wronged you.
Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiveness is moving on. Letting go of the mental torment you have because you are unforgiving. The key to learning how to forgive is to learn how to let go of the anger and hurt, revenge and disgust you feel towards others. When your mind comes to this peace, you have learnt how to forgive, and you can then live in peace. At this point forgiveness is simply releasing your own inner torment you experience towards another you believe has wronged you.
One of the most important keys to finding happiness is in learning the secret of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the art of letting your mind rest around issues that are troubling to you. When the mind is engaged with the tension about wrongs and hurts you have suffered in the past, your mind is in torment. And thus the ability to rest your thoughts about past hurts gives you inner peace and mental rest.
However, this begs the question, how do you learn to forgive? How do you bring your mind to rest about the past? How do you stop fearing the future? When in the past you have hurt another person, feeling guilt is the predominant emotion. When you believe others have hurt or wounded you, anger is the usual response. Either way, your mind is unsettled, and troubled. Forgiveness rests the mind and settles the past, allowing you to live in the present moment without the pain and the torment of those past hurts, and without fear of the future.
Many people successful use rituals to learn how to forgive. Some seek the use of confession. Others talk in therapy. Some write letters to people who have hurt them in the past, expressing all their feelings, and then never send the letter. This way, they can unburden their feelings about the past without involving all the people who have made up that past. Other rituals might be to dig a hole in the earth and shout your hurts into that hole, at the same time releasing the pain of that hurt. Then you can cover the hole, and send the hurt away. Such rituals are physical tasks to help you grasp the emotional aspect within the act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the mind letting go of the emotional turmoil you are holding onto.
But the real key to understanding forgiveness is to recognize that you as a human have no ability to forgive anyone but yourself. Only God can forgive people. You are not righteous enough, to forgive. As all religions express, we are human, sinners, and live in glass houses, thereby making us incapable of the divine capacity to forgive other humans. Your forgiving another is not about them at all, it is entirely about you and your mental process. You let go of the tension you hold in your mind about that person. You let go the inner turmoil you feel, and thus you allow yourself to experience emotional rest and mental peace. You don’t even need them to ask forgiveness, or to apologize.
This is so hard to grasp, because we have been taught that when another wrongs us, we have the power to forgive them. Not so. Only they can forgive themselves, as only you can forgive yourself. On a spiritual level, only God can forgive human’s of transgression. Not that we should not have the courtesy of a social interactions that when wronged, we ask another to apologize. Not that another cannot ask you to forgive them, or excuse them for a transgression they have made. It is just that forgiveness on the divine level is not within the capability of humans to do. And the miracle of this is that we do not need another to repent of their sins to forgive. For forgiveness is merely empting our minds of the obsessive thinking we run though our brain when angry and upset at others.
To forgive is to bless yourself. To forgive is to grant yourself freedom. To forgive is to give yourself the gift of happiness, because when you release the inner tension, you release your mind from the torment you have been carrying by not forgiving yourself or another. To forgive another does not require that they apologize, or repent. To forgive is to release the inner tension you carry when you hold hatred within your heart for those who have wronged you.
Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiveness is moving on. Letting go of the mental torment you have because you are unforgiving. The key to learning how to forgive is to learn how to let go of the anger and hurt, revenge and disgust you feel towards others. When your mind comes to this peace, you have learnt how to forgive, and you can then live in peace. At this point forgiveness is simply releasing your own inner torment you experience towards another you believe has wronged you.
Learning How to Communicate Gently
Learning to Communicate Gently
When young couples come into marriage counseling, I often shudder when I hear them
talk to each other. The power struggle stage of their relationship causes them to speak so
harshly, so dogmatically, so authoritatively that they are unaware of the damage they do
when they talk in this tone.
I ask the husband, “is she your princess ?” Invariably, he say “yes”. I reply, “Then why do
you talk that way to her”. They never have a good answer. They seem unconscious of
how harsh they sound. I then ask the wife, “Is he your prince ?” and of course I get the
same reaction.
Why would couples take a new love and deal with it so harshly ? Because they are in the
power struggle stage of their relationship. During this stage, both parties are struggling to
dominate, struggling to be recognized, struggling for independence. This is an important
adjustment stage most young couples visit. Most marriages stay in this power struggle
stage for years and do serious damage to their communication system by speaking from
anger and domination, rather than respect and honor.
Chances are one or both of the partners witnessed their parents speak in this tone to each
other. But in business, if employers spoke with such force, a lawsuit would be forth
coming, so I find it hard to believe couples do not know better. Bad habits and
unconscious behavior catch couples off guard.
If couples are unconscious about how they sound when talking to each other, I
recommend they tape record their disagreements and then listen to how they sound and
work towards finding new ways to speak that accomplish the task without destroying the
love. Football players watch replays so they can improve their skills, and if couples are
serious about building a better marriage, they could also use a replay system to improve
their communication.
No one would dream of taking a brand new baby and handling it harshly. The same
should be true for a new love. It is new, impressionable, and needs tenderness, care and
gentleness. Harsh communication from anger destroys love and builds resentment.
Caring communication needs to be present if you want your new love to grow.
When young couples come into marriage counseling, I often shudder when I hear them
talk to each other. The power struggle stage of their relationship causes them to speak so
harshly, so dogmatically, so authoritatively that they are unaware of the damage they do
when they talk in this tone.
I ask the husband, “is she your princess ?” Invariably, he say “yes”. I reply, “Then why do
you talk that way to her”. They never have a good answer. They seem unconscious of
how harsh they sound. I then ask the wife, “Is he your prince ?” and of course I get the
same reaction.
Why would couples take a new love and deal with it so harshly ? Because they are in the
power struggle stage of their relationship. During this stage, both parties are struggling to
dominate, struggling to be recognized, struggling for independence. This is an important
adjustment stage most young couples visit. Most marriages stay in this power struggle
stage for years and do serious damage to their communication system by speaking from
anger and domination, rather than respect and honor.
Chances are one or both of the partners witnessed their parents speak in this tone to each
other. But in business, if employers spoke with such force, a lawsuit would be forth
coming, so I find it hard to believe couples do not know better. Bad habits and
unconscious behavior catch couples off guard.
If couples are unconscious about how they sound when talking to each other, I
recommend they tape record their disagreements and then listen to how they sound and
work towards finding new ways to speak that accomplish the task without destroying the
love. Football players watch replays so they can improve their skills, and if couples are
serious about building a better marriage, they could also use a replay system to improve
their communication.
No one would dream of taking a brand new baby and handling it harshly. The same
should be true for a new love. It is new, impressionable, and needs tenderness, care and
gentleness. Harsh communication from anger destroys love and builds resentment.
Caring communication needs to be present if you want your new love to grow.
How to Set Appropriate Boundaries in Relationships
Setting Boundaries
The trendy newest concept in psychotherapy is the issue of setting appropriate intimate boundaries in relationship with others. Boundaries are the border of your psyche as they come up against the emotional exterior of another. This is where you begin and another ends. Boundaries are the cup or container that holds the liquid. Boundaries are the fences that determine you as opposed to them.
The problems associated with boundaries usually occur within families, or between very close friends. Boundaries are an intimacy issue. Husband and wives frequently have trouble setting boundaries. Parents and children are notoriously troubled by inadequate boundaries, according to the latest thinking in psychotherapy.
The key element in this discussion of boundaries is always the distinction that there is a good and a bad boundary. Boundaries are either right or wrong, or using psychological language, appropriate verses inappropriate. This duality between right and wrong assumes someone knows what is appropriate and what is not. Socially, culture has developed very sophisticated boundaries for people so we can live in peace. Society has established these boundaries, and defines them as law. You are not allowed to harm another and avoid social consequences. It is only when we live in harmony that we can create a peaceful and prosperous society, so social boundaries have been defined by laws. But in families or with close intimate friendships, boundaries are not easily defined and are left to individual discretion to define.
What I find troubling in the current social discussion of boundaries is that one who criticizes another for inadequate boundaries is making the assumption that they know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate in intimacy. In matters of law this is clear. Society has established the rules that define appropriate and inappropriate over thousands of years of experience. But in family relationships, the area of contention is beyond the law.
Today each family member has to negotiate these troubled waters alone. Some families are described as ‘enmeshed’ (meaning the boundaries are porous and not firm), while others are very loose and distant. Enmeshment leads to fighting, while distance in relationship leads to feelings of not being special or loved. Who is to say what is appropriate if it does not harm another. Families often have disagreements about the topic of family boundaries.
For example, I had a client who was told by numerous people including psychotherapists that he idolized his mother, and that he needed to set stronger boundaries with her. They claimed he was lost inside the relationship with his mother. He concluded from this common wisdom that he should stop visiting his mother (he would see her one night a week), and only telephone her occasionally. His mother accepted this behavior but was confused by the logic. She felt sad missing the weekly visits, but resigned herself to this new behavior.
After pursuing this new behavior, the son sank into a deep depression. He had artificially withdrew from his mother because other people had convinced him to set stronger boundaries between himself and his mother. He felt while exercising these new boundaries with his mother withdrawn from all socializing. He felt emotional pain, sadness, and despair. Finally he asked himself “why I am doing this?” Realizing it was other people who were defining what was appropriate for him, rather than trusting his own instinct, he began to change back to the way things were. He began seeing his mother one night a week again.
After a few weeks his depression began to lift. His mother who was in her eighties also began experience more vitality, seeing her son every week. In time, my client realized that he and his mother were both happier. And so he concluded that this concept that he needed to establish firm boundaries with his mother was an individual choice, not a socially acceptable decision. Finally he realized that the real issue was that his wife didn’t like his closeness to his mother, and it was to please his wife that he had set boundaries that did not work for him or his mother. His wife was attempting to control his behavior using psychotherapy talk to change his behavior with his mother.
The point to this story is that boundaries are important, but be careful whom you listen to when attempting to find the appropriate boundary level with your family members. Outsiders do not always have the magic answers. Outsiders may have alternative motivation that needs to be understood when the discussion of boundaries is on the table. The key to finding what is right for you, is looking inside yourself and finding what is best for you and your family, rather than reacting to what others define as right and wrong for you.
Boundaries need to be understood. But the topic is not easily definable; so beware of outsiders who seem to have simplistic answers to complex relationships.
The trendy newest concept in psychotherapy is the issue of setting appropriate intimate boundaries in relationship with others. Boundaries are the border of your psyche as they come up against the emotional exterior of another. This is where you begin and another ends. Boundaries are the cup or container that holds the liquid. Boundaries are the fences that determine you as opposed to them.
The problems associated with boundaries usually occur within families, or between very close friends. Boundaries are an intimacy issue. Husband and wives frequently have trouble setting boundaries. Parents and children are notoriously troubled by inadequate boundaries, according to the latest thinking in psychotherapy.
The key element in this discussion of boundaries is always the distinction that there is a good and a bad boundary. Boundaries are either right or wrong, or using psychological language, appropriate verses inappropriate. This duality between right and wrong assumes someone knows what is appropriate and what is not. Socially, culture has developed very sophisticated boundaries for people so we can live in peace. Society has established these boundaries, and defines them as law. You are not allowed to harm another and avoid social consequences. It is only when we live in harmony that we can create a peaceful and prosperous society, so social boundaries have been defined by laws. But in families or with close intimate friendships, boundaries are not easily defined and are left to individual discretion to define.
What I find troubling in the current social discussion of boundaries is that one who criticizes another for inadequate boundaries is making the assumption that they know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate in intimacy. In matters of law this is clear. Society has established the rules that define appropriate and inappropriate over thousands of years of experience. But in family relationships, the area of contention is beyond the law.
Today each family member has to negotiate these troubled waters alone. Some families are described as ‘enmeshed’ (meaning the boundaries are porous and not firm), while others are very loose and distant. Enmeshment leads to fighting, while distance in relationship leads to feelings of not being special or loved. Who is to say what is appropriate if it does not harm another. Families often have disagreements about the topic of family boundaries.
For example, I had a client who was told by numerous people including psychotherapists that he idolized his mother, and that he needed to set stronger boundaries with her. They claimed he was lost inside the relationship with his mother. He concluded from this common wisdom that he should stop visiting his mother (he would see her one night a week), and only telephone her occasionally. His mother accepted this behavior but was confused by the logic. She felt sad missing the weekly visits, but resigned herself to this new behavior.
After pursuing this new behavior, the son sank into a deep depression. He had artificially withdrew from his mother because other people had convinced him to set stronger boundaries between himself and his mother. He felt while exercising these new boundaries with his mother withdrawn from all socializing. He felt emotional pain, sadness, and despair. Finally he asked himself “why I am doing this?” Realizing it was other people who were defining what was appropriate for him, rather than trusting his own instinct, he began to change back to the way things were. He began seeing his mother one night a week again.
After a few weeks his depression began to lift. His mother who was in her eighties also began experience more vitality, seeing her son every week. In time, my client realized that he and his mother were both happier. And so he concluded that this concept that he needed to establish firm boundaries with his mother was an individual choice, not a socially acceptable decision. Finally he realized that the real issue was that his wife didn’t like his closeness to his mother, and it was to please his wife that he had set boundaries that did not work for him or his mother. His wife was attempting to control his behavior using psychotherapy talk to change his behavior with his mother.
The point to this story is that boundaries are important, but be careful whom you listen to when attempting to find the appropriate boundary level with your family members. Outsiders do not always have the magic answers. Outsiders may have alternative motivation that needs to be understood when the discussion of boundaries is on the table. The key to finding what is right for you, is looking inside yourself and finding what is best for you and your family, rather than reacting to what others define as right and wrong for you.
Boundaries need to be understood. But the topic is not easily definable; so beware of outsiders who seem to have simplistic answers to complex relationships.
Sacred Sexuality
Sacred Sexuality
As a marriage and family therapist, I find the lack of responsible sexual education a national disgrace. By default, the entertainment industry has become the national creator and distributor of our sexual education. The Church has abandoned the job. School will not touch the topic for fear of parents. Parent’s claim it is their responsibility, yet do very little to teach their children about human sexuality. And thus by default, the Internet, movies and television fill the void. We learn more from entertainers like Britney Spears about human sexuality than we do from all the other experts in the field of human psychology. We have allowed the teaching of human sexuality to be the domain of Hollywood.
The Catholic Church teaches their 1.6 billion followers that sex for any purpose outside of procreation is a venal sin. A venal sin is a minor sin, not bad enough to assign you to hell, but certainly no sin is good. This means deeply religious Catholics cannot use birth control and can only have sexual intimacy if their purpose is procreation. Most Catholics do not follow their churches teachings, so the church has dismissed itself as a serious communicator of human sexuality in the 21st century. The Catholic Church also refuses to sanction the use of condoms by married men with their wives in Africa, who use condoms to prevent the spread of aids. Sexual ideology within the church takes precedence over human needs when it comes to teaching sexuality.
The remaining Christian Churches in America believe sex within marriage is permissible, but teach very little about the sacredness of sexuality. Rather than teach their people about a divine purpose for sexuality, most churches ignore that topic for what they consider to be a more important sexual issue, gay marriage.
So who is to teach human sexuality to our youth? Is sexuality only for procreation or is it also for our well being? Does it have a spiritual purpose beyond procreation? What is sexual intimacy really about? The entertainment industry is happy to fill the void. There is big money to be made in sexual content. Most of money made from sex is hidden from public consciousness. It is ‘dirty’ sexuality. Nasty. Bad. These are the current predominant sexual morals, created in Hollywood by our entertainment industry, and pushed upon the public through the media. Not that ‘nasty’ isn’t a fun sexual game to play, but when that is all you have, it becomes obvious that more substance is needed.
Eastern religions are not as repressed sexually as are Western religions. Western religions emphasis ownership in sexuality, rather than teaching pleasure and purpose. And thus all the rules of sexuality we have been taught by western religion are based on the principles of property rights and ownership. Eastern tantric sexuality is a centuries old discipline that teaches the purpose of sexuality is in exchanging male – female energy. Tantra teaches the male to exchange his maleness with the female, and the female her femininity with the male. This exchange of energy is healing and life sustaining. As a marriage counselor, I know that sexual intimacy is a critical healing tool for couples. Without sexuality, many marriages would not endure the difficult times. These couples find that when everything else is going wrong, at least they can communicate sexually, and let the other know how much they love each other.
Sacred sex, erotic loving, sexual healing, and divinity are all aspects of sexuality that need to be taught. Where are the serious advocates for sacred sexual intimacy? Where are the role models? Where are the examples? Where is the serious education? Hollywood has left us with Janet Jackson, Britney Spears and Madonna. Movies teach humans how to make love. The entertainment industry educates us about what men want and what women want sexually. Are we really certain we wish to abandon the responsibility for sexual education to Hollywood? Could not someone from a spiritual prospective step forward? Or is sexual education to be left to humorists, entertainers and the Internet?
Something is amiss within sexual education, and no one wishes to discuss the matter.
As a marriage and family therapist, I find the lack of responsible sexual education a national disgrace. By default, the entertainment industry has become the national creator and distributor of our sexual education. The Church has abandoned the job. School will not touch the topic for fear of parents. Parent’s claim it is their responsibility, yet do very little to teach their children about human sexuality. And thus by default, the Internet, movies and television fill the void. We learn more from entertainers like Britney Spears about human sexuality than we do from all the other experts in the field of human psychology. We have allowed the teaching of human sexuality to be the domain of Hollywood.
The Catholic Church teaches their 1.6 billion followers that sex for any purpose outside of procreation is a venal sin. A venal sin is a minor sin, not bad enough to assign you to hell, but certainly no sin is good. This means deeply religious Catholics cannot use birth control and can only have sexual intimacy if their purpose is procreation. Most Catholics do not follow their churches teachings, so the church has dismissed itself as a serious communicator of human sexuality in the 21st century. The Catholic Church also refuses to sanction the use of condoms by married men with their wives in Africa, who use condoms to prevent the spread of aids. Sexual ideology within the church takes precedence over human needs when it comes to teaching sexuality.
The remaining Christian Churches in America believe sex within marriage is permissible, but teach very little about the sacredness of sexuality. Rather than teach their people about a divine purpose for sexuality, most churches ignore that topic for what they consider to be a more important sexual issue, gay marriage.
So who is to teach human sexuality to our youth? Is sexuality only for procreation or is it also for our well being? Does it have a spiritual purpose beyond procreation? What is sexual intimacy really about? The entertainment industry is happy to fill the void. There is big money to be made in sexual content. Most of money made from sex is hidden from public consciousness. It is ‘dirty’ sexuality. Nasty. Bad. These are the current predominant sexual morals, created in Hollywood by our entertainment industry, and pushed upon the public through the media. Not that ‘nasty’ isn’t a fun sexual game to play, but when that is all you have, it becomes obvious that more substance is needed.
Eastern religions are not as repressed sexually as are Western religions. Western religions emphasis ownership in sexuality, rather than teaching pleasure and purpose. And thus all the rules of sexuality we have been taught by western religion are based on the principles of property rights and ownership. Eastern tantric sexuality is a centuries old discipline that teaches the purpose of sexuality is in exchanging male – female energy. Tantra teaches the male to exchange his maleness with the female, and the female her femininity with the male. This exchange of energy is healing and life sustaining. As a marriage counselor, I know that sexual intimacy is a critical healing tool for couples. Without sexuality, many marriages would not endure the difficult times. These couples find that when everything else is going wrong, at least they can communicate sexually, and let the other know how much they love each other.
Sacred sex, erotic loving, sexual healing, and divinity are all aspects of sexuality that need to be taught. Where are the serious advocates for sacred sexual intimacy? Where are the role models? Where are the examples? Where is the serious education? Hollywood has left us with Janet Jackson, Britney Spears and Madonna. Movies teach humans how to make love. The entertainment industry educates us about what men want and what women want sexually. Are we really certain we wish to abandon the responsibility for sexual education to Hollywood? Could not someone from a spiritual prospective step forward? Or is sexual education to be left to humorists, entertainers and the Internet?
Something is amiss within sexual education, and no one wishes to discuss the matter.
Marriage is like a three-legged race
Marriage: a Three-Legged Race.
When I was a child I remember picnics where we ran the three-legged race. Two people had their middle legs attached, and the objective was to run in unison with your middle legs tied together, so that between the two of you the couple had three legs. The race required coordination so the couple ran together in harmony. It was not an easy task, but eventually the couple learnt how to run together by coordinating their bodies as one.
Marriage requires a similar skill. Marriage is a team effort, where the two of you are stronger than each alone. A good marriage can be defined as a union where two people are stronger as a couple, than as two separate individuals. If however, the two are divisive, and competitive with each other, you weaken the team. And thus a poor marriage is where two are worse for being a couple, than being a coordinated team.
The secret to running as a three-legged team is collaboration. Being critical of your partner only slows the team down. It is like your right hand hitting your left hand and pretending your body is not hurt. When you attack your partner, you attack yourself. If after running a three-legged race, you lose and criticize your partner for not helping, you are guaranteeing that the team will fail. Better to look at the problems that caused you as a team to fail, than criticizing your partner individually. In a three-legged race you either win together or you lose together. So too in marriage. You either both succeed, or you both fail. Blaming your partner for a marriage failure is like the left leg criticizing the right leg for not winning the race. It may make the left leg feel better, but it will not remedy the failure.
Marriage is not for everyone. Some people prefer to be single than to work together as a team. Unfortunately we as a society have pathologies singleness. We assume single people are lonely, unhappy and looking for a marital partner. This is simply immature, excessively romantic and idealistic. I know many people who are happier as an individual than as a couple, and assuming this is unnatural for humans is ridiculous.
If you wish to be married, then you must work at becoming a team. You must learn how to be a couple, as two people have to learn how to run a three-legged race as one. The key to running a three-legged race is to move your combined middle feet together as a unit, not separately as an individual. This requires coordination, a spirit of teamwork, and patience as you learn how to support each other rather than criticize and tear each other down.
All team sports require the individuals give up most of their personal ego for the benefit of the team. For example, on a football team, it is imperative for a quarterback to be blocked by his front line. Every successful quarterback always congratulates his front line when they win, and when they lose they are very discrete about criticizing in public their team members. Successful football teams work together as a group. With group sport teams, they all succeed or they all fail together.
Marriage is the same as team sports. Team is the essence of marital success. The team cooperates, coordinates and collaborates. In so doing they either succeed together or they fail in their mission as a team.
Biography at end of article.
Stephen Martin, MS. MFT, has over 25 years experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist. In that time he’s helped thousands of couples heal their marriages. As a recognized leader in his field, Stephen Martin served a term as President of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the largest association of marriage and family therapists in the world.
Stephen can be reached at (650) 726-1212 or by email at stephen@healmarriage.com.
When I was a child I remember picnics where we ran the three-legged race. Two people had their middle legs attached, and the objective was to run in unison with your middle legs tied together, so that between the two of you the couple had three legs. The race required coordination so the couple ran together in harmony. It was not an easy task, but eventually the couple learnt how to run together by coordinating their bodies as one.
Marriage requires a similar skill. Marriage is a team effort, where the two of you are stronger than each alone. A good marriage can be defined as a union where two people are stronger as a couple, than as two separate individuals. If however, the two are divisive, and competitive with each other, you weaken the team. And thus a poor marriage is where two are worse for being a couple, than being a coordinated team.
The secret to running as a three-legged team is collaboration. Being critical of your partner only slows the team down. It is like your right hand hitting your left hand and pretending your body is not hurt. When you attack your partner, you attack yourself. If after running a three-legged race, you lose and criticize your partner for not helping, you are guaranteeing that the team will fail. Better to look at the problems that caused you as a team to fail, than criticizing your partner individually. In a three-legged race you either win together or you lose together. So too in marriage. You either both succeed, or you both fail. Blaming your partner for a marriage failure is like the left leg criticizing the right leg for not winning the race. It may make the left leg feel better, but it will not remedy the failure.
Marriage is not for everyone. Some people prefer to be single than to work together as a team. Unfortunately we as a society have pathologies singleness. We assume single people are lonely, unhappy and looking for a marital partner. This is simply immature, excessively romantic and idealistic. I know many people who are happier as an individual than as a couple, and assuming this is unnatural for humans is ridiculous.
If you wish to be married, then you must work at becoming a team. You must learn how to be a couple, as two people have to learn how to run a three-legged race as one. The key to running a three-legged race is to move your combined middle feet together as a unit, not separately as an individual. This requires coordination, a spirit of teamwork, and patience as you learn how to support each other rather than criticize and tear each other down.
All team sports require the individuals give up most of their personal ego for the benefit of the team. For example, on a football team, it is imperative for a quarterback to be blocked by his front line. Every successful quarterback always congratulates his front line when they win, and when they lose they are very discrete about criticizing in public their team members. Successful football teams work together as a group. With group sport teams, they all succeed or they all fail together.
Marriage is the same as team sports. Team is the essence of marital success. The team cooperates, coordinates and collaborates. In so doing they either succeed together or they fail in their mission as a team.
Biography at end of article.
Stephen Martin, MS. MFT, has over 25 years experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist. In that time he’s helped thousands of couples heal their marriages. As a recognized leader in his field, Stephen Martin served a term as President of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the largest association of marriage and family therapists in the world.
Stephen can be reached at (650) 726-1212 or by email at stephen@healmarriage.com.
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